Correction!!!

TOMORROW is the home opener! Which means I have a ticket to the HOME OPENER!

YAY!!!!! :-D

The Good Ole Hockey Game!

It's October, which means several fun things things happen...Halloween...my mom's birthday...but most importantly...


HOCKEY SEASON STARTS!! :-D


Tonight is the opening home game for my team, the Nashville Predators. Sadly, I have to work tonight, but I am going with my mother to our second home game tomorrow.

Anyways, in honor of the beginning of hockey season I thought I would post the pictures of me and mom at a "meet the team" event a couple of weeks ago. We got to eat some free food, stand in a lot of lines, and get autographs from some of the players.

mom and me, excited about meeting the players

mom flirting with Dan Ellis while he signs her blanket

my favorite player, Jordin Tootoo, signing my "Tootoo whistle"

signed Tootoo whistle. :-D

He also signed this poster for my sister, on her birthday month,
and added "xoxo" at the end because my mom said "she loves you!" lol

I'm really happy that hockey season is back, and hoping that my team does really well this year.
Who's your team?

My favorite West Wing clip

I've spent the last two days watching West Wing, and watching my puppy to make sure she doesn't lick the stitches she has from getting fixed. I'll probably be doing that til 6pm Friday when I have my first shift at Chili's (finally!).

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hope you liked the clip as much as I do.

I stole a video

I stole this from Christine.

I'm a guinea pig!

Okay, so I'm not really cute, fuzzy, mammal often procured as a household pet. I am, however, a test subject in the study at Vanderbilt! So I decided to do what every self respecting blogger would do, and start a new blog for it!

Go here if you want to read all about my mental, emotional, and physical things that I record so that I can answer all sorts of questions honestly at my clinic visits every week. If you don't care, that's cool with me, I'm really doing it more for myself than anybody else. But if you're curious, and want to see what being a guinea pig does to me, you are more than welcome to do so. :-)

This will still get all my random ramblins/discussions/ideas/etc, so fear not.

That's it for now, I have to get up early in the morning for orientation at Chili's!

life is beautiful

I had a stellar weekend. A great end to a pretty stellar week.

I got two job offers this week. Accepted the one from Chili's.
Got called by the lady from the study at Vanderbilt. I have my first clinic visit tomorrow.
Got called by Tiffany & Co. and have an interview Tuesday. I know that I already accepted the Chili's job, but if I could work for Tiffany's!!?? and probably make a lot more money!?!! why wouldn't I at least go interview?

One of my best friends came into town from Cincinnati! Melanie was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and generally helped get me through all kinds of stuff over the last 4 years. Her and Chelle have been a part of my friend base since Freshman year. LOVE them!

Mel came into town Friday afternoon. We went to dinner, and then grabbed some wine and came back to the apartment. Chelle got home right about when we did, so we sat on the porch, had a few glasses of wine, and talked about life for hours. Then we took quite the adventurous trip to WaHo, and ended the evening sitting in the living room talking about politics.

It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how much you've missed somebody til they come visit you. Cause I sure have missed my Melanie. She's one of the most level headed people I know, and sometimes just has this way of cutting through the crap and saying how things are. I love that. I love her! I wish Cincinnati wasn't so far away, and that gas wasn't ridiculous. Cause I need more of her than what I can get right now. She's awesome!

Saturday we just hung out at the apartment, watched Nip/Tuck, and had lunch at Panera. Then we met up with a bunch of people at Chili's for some dinner and conversation. After that Mel had to go meet up with some other people in Nashville that she wanted to see before she went home. Chelle and I went with some of the people from Chili's to a bonfire. Where I met LOTS of great new people, and had a fantastic time.

And today was ridiculously lazy. a perfect ending to a wonderful week/weekend.

I really hope this next week continues the goodness, and that I figure out exactly what job I'm supposed to have so that I can start getting settled into a bit of a routine (and start getting paid!!)

I know I haven't kept track of the Ragamuffintop challenge the last few weeks, I'm just stuck at the same weight, and trying to find a job and stuff has kept me out of a workout routine. I'm glad I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing either. Hopefully things will get settled down the next couple of weeks and I can get back in gear.

What made you happy this weekend?

It's never too late to change lanes

I think some of my favorite moments are little gifts. Little serendipitous gifts the universe throws your way. Sometimes they are just gifts, happy moments to make you smile. Other times they are signs. Little reminders or suggestions to get implanted in your brain.

I guess I use "the universe" as my way of attributing things to God without sounding like the religion major that I am.

But I've gotten three this week. And it's kind of hard to ignore that.

It's been a rough month. moving into a new place. getting situated. dealing with all the quirks that go with living with new people in a new place. job hunting. hating job hunting. sucking at job hunting.

Let's just say that I needed some gifts from the universe.

The first was in Starbuck's. I went in friday to fill out an application. The guy who handed me the application starts telling me how great the benefits and stuff are and how it's a good time to apply. Then he takes my filled out application to the back...and the guy who walks out went to high school with me. Graduated a year ahead of me. Interviews me and tells me he's going to call me monday. I leave smiling and feeling really good about it.

I also filled out an application at Chili's friday. They told me to come back on monday. I went...and they had me take this test. So I'm sitting in this booth, taking a test (which involved MATH. omg. I was not happy.), and all of a sudden the beginning of a song over the sound system caught my attention. It was one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Stereophonics (gift #2). So that makes me relax a bit, and not worry so much about the ridiculous MATH involved in this test. (have I mentioned I HATE math??) So I turn my test in, and one of the managers comes back and tells me that I passed it (huzzah!) and to come back Wednesday to talk to a different manager and probably get a job offer. sweet!

Starbucks called today with a job offer.
I may get a job offer form Chili's tomorrow.

I LOVE options. and gifts from the universe.


The third came today. I was watching AMC and a commercial came on for a study being done at Vanderbilt on depression. It was advertising for people to take part in the study. I've been off my Prozac since February, and haven't seen anybody about my depression since some time before then. I really needed somebody today.

So I just e-mailed the lady about the studies (there are actually two going on right now). We'll see how that goes.


I wonder how often I don't notice things like a song on the sound system or a commercial on tv. How often I don't listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. How often the worry and the stress overshadow the provisions of the one who dresses the lilies of the field so lavishly.

it's just an ordinary morning, just an ordinary day

Beth wrote a post about how she found out about the events of 9/11/01. It's pretty poetic, and includes a hazy feeling that I think signifies how a lot of people felt on and after that day.


My account of that day isn't nearly as poetic.


I was in 1st period Shakespeare, Sophomore year of high school...

and I was being hit on by the girl sitting next to me.



After we found out about the first plane, and watched live as the second plane flew into the second tower, all I could keep thinking was "but it's Steph's 16th birthday!"



She's 23 now. Happy Birthday, Stephanie. I hope it was a happy one.


To be honest, I miss that friendship more than those two towers in New York City.


Maybe that's selfish.
Maybe that's insensitive.
In fact, it probably is.

But it's the honest to God truth.

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great

I have this problem where my brain permanently connects certain sights, sounds, and smells with certain people. And it's pretty random about what exactly it connects.

For one person it's a relatively generic stretch of road. Just an overpass connecting a side of the interstate I'm on all the time to a side of the interstate I hardly ever venture on. I guess the reason he's connected to it is because a couple of the first times I ventured on it was with him.

So today you get to hear his story. The story of my pseudo-stalker:

I was working at Lowe's, which I did for 2 of the worst years of my life (but that's a whole other blog), and he was one of the relatively few attractive guys about my age also working there. We saw each other on the floor, in the break room, and I always noticed that he was quite attractive, and a little over-confident.

One day I was in the break room eating my lunch when he sauntered over and sat beside me. We struck up a conversation about random things...music, movies, how he had been in the marines...and I was pretty happy with the whole exchange. To make things even better, at the end of his shift he stopped by my register and wanted to exchange phone numbers with me. Score!

A few days later he took me to lunch before work at a restaurant right by Lowe's. We had some interesting conversation, but at one point he kind of slipped in the "this is not a date" sentence that made me think it was all over. Which I was pretty okay with.

But soon after that I got invited to go hang out with some co-workers after work...all of which are friends with him. He insisted on riding with "his girl"...on sitting next to me the whole time...and since he was trashed I drove him home.

Which is why that stretch of road is connected to him.

I got text messages asking me to be his girlfriend.

A. it is not okay to ask me to be your girlfriend via text message
B. it is definitely not okay if I've hung out with you outside of work twice.

So I told him I needed to get to know him better.
Hung out with him and another co-worker at his apartment complex's pool.
Talked more on the phone and via text message.
Decided and told him I really wasn't interested in him as more than a friend.
He kept texting. I kept trying to ignore/discourage him.

I wrote this on my myspace a few weeks later:

It's hella creepy to have an ex-marine trying to find you. I'm pretty sure it's just been two times when he was drunk and lonely...but seriously, I'm uber glad he thought I went to Lipscomb the first time:

(text message conversation)
"Hey whats up."
"Nothing much"
(2 hours later) "Hey whats up."
"nada"
(2 hours later)"Hey im on campus"
(at this point I freak out and a million different horror movie scenarios cross my paranoia prone mind...but my rational side says I better make sure he's where I hope he's not first)
"what campus?"
"Limpscome dont u go there."
(massive sigh of relief.)
"no."
"oh i thought u wemt there."

(no typos there...just exactly what I got.)

and very glad that he still doesn't know where I go to school this last time.

"Hey whats up girl."
"Who is this?"
(I had a hunch it was him, but he changed his number so i wasn't sure)
"****** changed my number"
(I can't remember if I answered or not...if I did it was probably like "ah" or something)
"What u doing."
"laundry"
"What school do u go to."
(no answer)
(later) "What school do u go to."
(no answer)


Luckily at this point he no longer worked at Lowes, although he did come in a couple times after those exchanges...which always freaked me out.

I don't think ex-marines are something to be trifled with.
Especially ex-marines who think it's a good idea to show up unannounced (and probably trashed) on your college campus.

Going down that road still gives me the heebie jeebies.

Anybody else have one of these?

Let's step into the shallow end of the pool

So I'm having a small hair crisis right now. Kind of in the middle of growing it out from the time sophomore year when I donated to locks of love...and I kind of feel like chopping it off again. So I'm in for some opinions.

Short? or Long?
why?









Or does somebody have a completely different idea?

omg.
I just realized that this is a really great before and after shot for my 30lb depression/prozac weight gain too.
ugh.

so glad I toured the YMCA today.

anyways. let me know if you have an opinion.

anti-labor day

Now before anybody gets riled up about me hating a national holiday, let me explain.

"I" am not anti-labor day. I just find it ironic that a holiday named "labor" day actually consists of most people being off work, and generally not "laboring." so in practice Labor Day is actually an anti-labor day.

So now for my "anti-labor day" story.

I graduated a few weeks ago (for more on that, click here). I moved into a new apartment with my best friend and another girl I know from school last week. Which means I am officially a degree holding, bill paying adult. I also got a dog.

All of this means that I should probably have a job about now.

It's not that I didn't look for a job. I did. I saw all sorts of openings for things that I probably could have gotten hired for based on my ridiculous customer service experience working 2 years as a cashier/head cashier/customer service/return desk at Lowe's. But they were all jobs that I looked at and thought about applying for with dread.

So after a conversation with a friend who just started his own printing business I decided that i didn't want to do something that would make me miserable just to pay the bills. I wanted to do something that would let me pursue my dreams of doing photography and other art stuff (design, painting, etc) for a living.

In light of that, I'm going to get a job as a hostess or a waitress at a restaurant (hopefully at the Melting Pot...mmmmm) to pay the bills and give me some flexibility in my hours so I can build my portfolio and take on some artistic projects.

I was going to go to the Melting Pot today to try and apply...but in honor of anti-labor day I decided to sit around, read blogs, and hang up pictures and organize my new room instead.

very anti-labor indeed. :-D


Tomorrow I shall find a job. Tomorrow I shall go and and get a membership at the YMCA. Tomorrow I shall labor.

We all need place we can go and feel over the rainbow

Is there anything a candlelit bath with great smelling bath oil, some Amos Lee, and a fuzzy robe can't fix?


ok. don't answer that question.
but it sure made me feel a lot better tonight.


After getting up at the buttcrack of dawn to spend a long day selling junk I don't want anymore to strangers who don't want to pay $3 for an entire queen size sheet set, I just needed it.

really needed it.

and to be completely honest right now I just want to pour a glass of wine and cuddle up on the couch with someone.


As it is, I will probably drink a big glass of ice water and go to bed. which sounds almost as good as the wine and the cuddling.

almost. ;-)

Free Communication Weekend

So I kind of feel foolish.

Eharmony is having a Free Communication Weekend.

Chelle is always going on and on about how I should find a guy, how I should try online dating, blah blah blah. Ashley met her fiancee online.

I had an Eharmony profile before...just curiosity I guess, just to see who they would match me with. But since I refused to pay for it that's all it was. Me looking at the type of people they matched me with. not even pictures, just whatever answers they had on their profile.

I never really got excited about anybody.

I really didn't think online dating was for me.


But I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of never being asked out on dates. I'm tired of all the guys I am interested in never being interested in me in the same way, or actually being jerks with girlfriends they never actually broke up with, or deciding they like my best friends more than me.


So I'm giving Eharmony another shot. I created another profile where I am trying to be real honest. And it's free communication weekend, so I've sent questions to like 4 guys who made me go "hmmmmm he sounds pretty awesome." Still no pictures...but that's alright with me for now.

But I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. And feel like it's something I shouldn't have to be doing. but I'm doing it.

I guess the worst that can happen is nobody thinks I'm interesting...which just leaves me in the same place. Or somebody does think I'm interesting and I think their interesting and I get a free meal even if we don't get along well. I'm not even going to think about a best case scenario...cause that's just crazy talk.


Maybe this whole thing is crazy talk.

Eh, it's just a weekend, right?

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #6

I'll just cut right to the chase...I stayed the same again.


195.
0 lbs lost this week.
8lbs lost overall.


I'm trying to keep myself upbeat about it by saying at least I haven't gained.
But deep inside it's kind of fueling my depression. kind of fueling a desire to eat more just because eating less isn't working so I might as well have something to make me happy.

But I will do better. I will get my YMCA membership and start swimming laps and doing some weight training. I will.

I will start losing weight again.

How did you other RagamuffinTop participants do?

let's talk

I had a thought this morning that I need some feedback on. I need some discussion and debate. I need to figure out what reactions to it make sense to me, and what reactions I find silly. Because this thought made my head spin around a little and I want to get it set back on. Here it is:

As Christians we believe that God's ultimate gift to us, the key to our redemption from sin and eternal life in the presence of God came in the form of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It came in the form of the brutal, agonizing, cruel and unusual Roman form of capital punishment exhibited on the most innocent man in the history of the universe. The cross was the Roman electric chair. It was the Roman lethal injection. Only it was so much more agonizing, bloody, and brutal than either of those. We are saved by the blood shed via the capital punishment of a completely innocent man. No Roman capital punishment = no Crucifixion

So how should Christians feel about the government practicing capital punishment on men tried and proven guilty of heinous crimes?

Does thinking about the Crucifixion as capital punishment change how you think about it?

What do you think?

I like making up extended metaphors.

Life is finger painting. If you do it right...it's messy.

You start out with a clean sheet and a lot of choices.
You end up with a beautifully complete picture and clean hands.
But when you're in the middle of it...if you're really doing it...you're a hot mess.

(image on stockxchng by flaivoloka)

I'm in the middle of it. I'm a hot mess.

but one day I'll be complete. my painting will be finished. my hands cleaned by my Father. and I will be home.

but for now I'm gonna paint. I'm gonna be messy. And I'm gonna try to make the most of every beautiful, messy, ugly, thrilling, perfect, painful second.


Because I stood and stared at that blank paper, afraid to get messy, for far too long.

like the rain in a downpour

Today is really hard.

I'm in the middle of sorting through 22 years worth of stuff. pictures, programs, tickets, momentos, some memories happy, some sad, and some painful reminders of what used to be and now is gone.

Took puppy out this morning...and she got sick. Apparently I asked the vet for medicine for the wrong worms last week, so instead of catching them early they have had a whole other week to grow and multiply and now she's sickly and tired. Got and gave her the right medicine today, so hopefully she will feel better soon. It's just frustrating to worry about my puppy and frustrating that something I thought I took care of actually didn't get taken care of and now is worse.

My dad isn't coming home this weekend to help me move. Not his fault, but it's still a hassle and disappointing. Just means I have to find other people to help. I don't like asking other people for help. It's ironic, because I just realized I feel the same way about asking for help as Chelle as developed recently. I feel like if people decline to help me it's because I'm not worth their help. Because they don't like me enough to help me, or don't think I deserve the help I'm asking for. Chelle expressed the same thing to me and I told her she was being silly. That if people can't help you it's because they can't. It's a problem with them, not with you.

It's a problem with them, not with me.

I need to ask.



But all this combined with certain other things that are floating around in my head have converged to call out the depression monster. He's in rare form today, seeing as I've been so happy the last few. He wants me to break down, cry, give up on packing and puppy and life in general. He wants me to think that things that aren't my fault or my problem actually are mine to worry about. He wants me drinking Mt. Dew and eating everything I know is not good for me and my weight loss goals. He wants me frazzled, overwhelmed, and paralyzed by sadness.

Not today, sir.
Not today.

"In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

there is a feeling that you should just go home, and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is."
~Jump Little Children- Cathedrals


Yes, yes, I know, Jon already gave props to this song on SCL, but I like to title posts with song lyrics and this is the first song that came to mind and seemed to fit. Plus, maybe if I get enough people to love JLC as much as I then they will get back together. hey, a girl can dream.

anyways, on to the purpose of this post:


I went to church today for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, I know, I'm the world's worst religion major, and on the "bad christian" list. whatever.

I'm in this weird place where I don't feel like the type of church I grew up in suits my belief system anymore. like it's not my spiritual home anymore. Last time I went I sat through a sermon on the evils of abortion that made me want to scream (not because I like abortion, but because I think the church should preach towards things like love, service, and charity instead of preaching against specific sins). At the same time, I haven't taken the time or energy to seek out a church that DOES fit...so I don't go.

But I went today. Mostly because my mom gave me this very loving look last night and said "I'd really like it if you came to church tomorrow." And how can you say no to that? Especially when it's my last weekend living in her house? so I went.

The service was great. They are doing a series on brokenness, and during the last song we sang before the sermon a lot of church members walked across the stage with signs. On the brown side of the sign was written statements like "Addicted Alcoholic" "Sexually abused by 2 family members" and "Abortions" and then they would flip their signs over to a white back side that said things like "Jesus Addict" "I forgave because I am Forgiven" and "Mother and Grandmother." It was really powerful, made me cry like a river, especially since some of the people who walked across the stage were former sunday school teachers and friends of mine.

But that is another one of those things that gets to me every time I go back to that place.

I'm "going back" to who I was before college. I go back to the little girl they watched grow up. Watched come every sunday. Watched sing in the youth choir, youth ensemble, and youth praise band. Watched go to camps and mission trips, do Evangelism Explosion, and dedicate my life to serving God. Watched be the "perfect Christian girl" who never cussed, never smoked, never drank, and signed the True Love Waits commitment card. I'm going back to that girl who was completely ruled by fear, guilt, insecurity, and completely uncomfortable in her own skin.

It makes me feel completely fake. Because I feel like I have to put on my "perfect christian girl" face there. I even feel weird adding anybody from that church on facebook or myspace just because I know some REAL pictures are going to show up...or I'll write something real...and I feel like they'll judge me.

"Look at that girl...she used to be such a good girl...look what Belmont did to her."

It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am now. I'm not. Sure, I may use the occasional profanity, smoke the occasional clove cigarette, have the occasional alocoholic beverage, may have done things with certain boys that would make them blush, and I'm working through this fiend called Depression. But I'm not ashamed of those things.

I'm not a horrible person.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm still a virgin.
And I have people in my life who give me more moments of happiness than any of them ever did.

Even better than all of those things...I'm REAL. I may not be perfect, but I don't pretend that I am. I don't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend.

I know who I am now. Not who they wanted me to be, but who I am.

I'm sure there are a number of people at that church who would more than accept me for who I am now. Who would wrap their arms around me and say they are proud of me, they love me, and God loves me. But I'm just as sure that there are people who would be disappointed with things I have decided are permissable for my life.

And I can't handle the disappointment of people who were giants in my young eyes.

So next Sunday I am going with Chelle to the church she goes to. Because Chelle will be my roommate and it will be convenient. Because Chelle and I have similar spiritual ideas and I want to see what she loves about this church. And because Chelle knows ME, loves me, and people at a new church can get to know me, and love me, and I can get connected into a community as myself. with authenticity. without fear of disappointing them with who I am.

I can worship loud, with hands and heart upheld...and then go have lunch at a pub and discuss the sermon over a pint.

And that sounds like heaven here on earth to me. It sounds like home.

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #5

Hey Ragamuffiners, and everybody else who comes across my blog!

It's update number 5 for my ragamuffintop challenge.

Can't say it's been a great week. Given in to some junk foody temptations (Arby's, family Pizza night, cheeseburger), and had a lot of "empty calories" Wednesday to celebrate a good friend's 21st birthday.

However, I haven't completely fallen off the wagon, and even managed not to gain any weight from it.

This week I weight the same as last week: 195.

So that's still a total loss of 8lbs from my original weight of 203.

Hopefully I can kick it back into gear this week, resist temptation, and get some good old fashioned exercise in there besides my tug-of-war fests with the puppy.

What is your biggest food temptation?

I'm an Alumni.

I suppose a great title for a blog about getting my degree would be "I spent 4 years and 100,000 and all I got was this piece of paper." But it sure is a glorious piece of paper:


I may have done it 3 months behind schedule...but I did it. I actually did it.

For a while I didn't think I could. I wanted to give up and forget that the last four years had ever happened. man. There were a tough four years. The toughest of my life.


Freshman year I entered Belmont University and the Honors program.

Over that year my two best friends in the world decided that they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore.

Spring semester freshman year Grandfather on my mother's side had his first severe onset of dementia while staying with my family, and thought my parents were strangers holding him hostage. He tried a couple of times to physically attack my mother. He was diagnosed with lewy bodies.

That summer I got a part time job at Lowe's and one of my uncles on my mother's side moved in with us. He stayed here to work while we went to spend Christmas with my dad's family in Mississippi. We got a call Christmas day saying he was in the hospital, had been found wandering the streets of our town after some sort of mental breakdown at work. We rushed home, he was put in a mental institution for a couple of weeks, and is currently in an assisted living apartment complex.

The next spring my grandmother on my mom's side developed a non-cancerous, inoperable tumor on her liver.

I was selected to be an RA in the Honors house for my Junior year. all Junior year I carried a 17hour class load while working 15 hours each weekend at Lowe's, working 20+ hours a week as an RA, plus extra time spent in meetings, inservices, and planning programs.

My grandmother's tumor kept growing and using up more of her blood supply til she had to have weekly blood transfusions. She decided she no longer wanted the transfusions, and died during the lead up to finals fall semester my Junior year.


I left the day after the first Christmas without my grandmother for a 2 week study abroad trip to London, which came back 2 days after I was supposed to be back to campus to get RA and school stuff underway.

Finals time spring semester Junior year my grandfather died.


I left the day after RA stuff ended for a 2 week study abroad trip to South Africa/Botswana.

I came back to full time hours at Lowe's and papers to write from my study abroad trip.

I burnt out.

I sank deeper and deeper into the depression that I've flirted with since middle school.

Research and preparations I was supposed to be making to write my senior honors thesis went undone.

I put in my 2 weeks notice at Lowe's, only to be rear-ended, given whip-lash and having to quit before those two weeks were up.

Fall semester Senior year I went to see a school counselor. After our first meeting she sent me to a psychiatrist's office for a "medication assessment." I was put on prozac.

I gained 30lbs.

Spring semester I took myself off Prozac.

I had to face the fact that I wasn't going to graduate in May, and if i didn't get myself together and focus I wasn't going to graduate in August either. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up and forget getting a stupid degree.

A lot of times over those 4 years I wanted to die.

Sometimes I think my mother is the only reason I did it. Sometimes I think she's the only reason I'm still here at all. Cause after everything she has been through, all the heartbreak and loss she has been through over these 4 years, I couldn't be another loss. I couldn't be another disappointment. She means the world to me. She's never given up on me. Always reminded me that God has a plan, and that "this too will pass." Always held me while I cried uncontrollably and for no rational reason. Always sent money, text messages, and care packages at exactly the right time.



She's my hero.

And I definitely do not tell her that often enough.

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #4

This week has been extremely exciting. on Wednesday I got my puppy, and yesterday I recieved my bachelor's degree!! (more on that later...only awake enough for one post tonight) I've been a lot more active this week, not much exercising, but a lot of running around doing last minute graduation dress/shoe/accessorie/gift shopping, taking the dog for walks, etc.

I've also been rocking my dieting, even as my calorie intake gets less as I put in the weight that I have lost...and drinking as much water as I can.

As a result, when I weighed myself this morning....

195!!!

Thats a loss of fricken 4lbs this week!!!! 8lbs overall!

so excited. and this week will be a lot of packing, lifting, sorting, boxing things, and more puppy playing/training...so I'm hoping to keep the losing up!


I fit perfectly into a skirt today that was uncomfortable around the waist the last time i put it on. that made me really happy. One of my goals is to fit into the rest of the jeans I took to school with me last august...but I'm too scared to try them until I lose a total of 20lbs. maybe I'll try at 10. maybe. or maybe if I need some extra incentive.

How are you other RagamuffinTops doing?

Dakota!

I got a dog yesterday. :-D

She's adorable. sweet. and follows me everywhere.



feist/miniature pincher mix
16lbs
about 4 months old



made a complete mess of her kennel today when I left her to go do some shopping.
peed on the floor immediately after eating her dinner tonight.


but she already knows her name.
and is learning how to heel.
and sit.
and to stay "off" the furniture.
she's smart.

I love her.

Fail.

okay...so I know I said I'd update with something non-weight related...


but it just became midnight...which means that Breaking Dawn just hit my Kindle.




so I'm reading. and wishing I was a vampire...or dating a vampire.

I'm such a dork.




so while I go and drool over Edward Cullen...what's your dorky pleasure??

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #3

Dang. Has it really been a week since I have posted on my blog? I suck.


But I had an excellent time in Michigan, took some fun pictures, and will post some of them tonight so that there will be something for everybody to know about besides my weight. Because really, that's the least interesting part of my life.


Anyways, on to this whole update thing.



Down to 199!!!


That means I am officially under 200 now, and I want to stay that way. FOREVER!


So that means 4lbs lost total...2lbs this week.


I still suck at exercising, but the eating is still going well. If I'm losing 2lbs a week just eating better, who knows how much I can rock it if I get my butt in gear!!! It's just hard right now cause I'm trying to figure out something I can do until I get settled in Brentwood and can join the Y.

No, that's a lie. It's really because I'm a lazy butt. yell at me. call me names. make me exercise!!!


I did a 10 minute trainer exercise video thing with my aunt while I was in Michigan and it kicked my butt. She did a whole other 10 minutes and I just laid on the floor doing some crunches cause I thought I would die during the course of the next 10 minute video.

ughhhhhhhh.

I also went wedding dress shopping with my best friend today...and tried on a few bridesmaid dresses...NON of which fit me. 12s, 14s...forget thinking about the 10s. I used to fit in a 12, a 14 easy if the line ran small.

The wedding is the end of February. I WILL fit into a 12 (maybe a 10!)...and I will look FIERCE!

But seriously. kick my butt.

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #2

This week hasn't been too bad. I'm getting used to the calorie amount I can eat, and converting it to points is easy. I also give myself one free meal a week, so I have that to look forward to. I don't feel as hungry as I did all the time last week, which has helped me stick to my plan. I also notice that I am feeling fuller after smaller meals and snacks, which is good too.

I've been bad about going to work out though. I managed to find a swimsuit I can do laps in on Tuesday, but I didn't get to the pool after that. I did my ab workouts a couple of nights, but nothing besides that. I could blame it on unexpected thesis things coming up, and friends inviting me out and such...but I just haven't gotten myself to find the time to do it.

But I did weight myself friday morning before we left to come to Michigan: 201!

So a definite loss of 2lbs for this week. :-)

How did you do?

A Rush of Blood to the Head

Had a conversation a while back with one of my best friends. We were talking about different things, when we got on the subject of the presidential elections and he brought up Obama's statements about talking to certain foreign leaders.

This brought up the subject of negotiations with terrorists. I wish I had saved the conversation. I wish that I could copy and paste it here so you could get his argument as well as what I'm about to say. But a few days after we had the conversation he sent me an attachment titled "why I don't negotiate." It was a quiz he had made, with questions about who had commited certain acts of violence against the United States and its citizens. And the answer to each and every one of them was obvious:

"Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40"

His main point being that there are people you can't negotiate with. There are even groups of people that you can't negotiate with.

It's a good point. There are people in the world who have closed their minds and hearts to words. Who only communicate in violence.

I just don't want the United States government to be one of those groups of people.


Ruling out conversation severely limits options. It prevents us from hearing complaints and requests that can be legitimately dealt with. And it keeps us from hearing complaints and requests that can make us look critically at ourselves.


Shutting the world out is easy. Shutting people out is easy. Deciding that you are right and everyone else is wrong is easy.

Hating is easy.

Loving is hard.

Letting the world in is hard. Letting people in is hard. Hearing all the sides and learning that there are things that you have done poorly in the past and are doing poorly now that you need to change is hard.



Being willing to talk to them doesn't mean that they will talk to us. It doesn't mean we'll get the chance to talk. It doesn't mean we'll get the chance to listen. It doesn't mean they'll stop hating us.

But not being willing to talk doesn't even give us that chance.

It doesn't mean that talking is our only option. but it means that talking is one option. It means that we haven't set a precedence of shutting ourselves off. It means we haven't set a precedence of hate. It means that if in the future a group of people emerges from the middle east who we can negotiate with...we can.

I just want conversation to always be an option.
I just want love to always be an option.


am I wrong? what do you think?

Creative Chaos: the Wedding edition!

So i haven't really been doing lots of creative things while putting the finishing touches on my Thesis (I hate formatting/editing word documents and inserting images into them. HATE. and I refuse to count it as creative work.)...but there is one thing I've been working on and getting really excited about.

My best friend's wedding!!

She's asked me to design the invitations for it, so I've gone through about 10 different color combinations and ideas on how they should look. Of course she's changed her mind about 10 different times too...but she gets to! she's the bride! lol

But it's really exciting to try to merge what I hear her saying about what she wants the wedding to be like with other things I know about her (like her love of irish things like claddagh rings) to design something she looks at and goes "oooooh! I love it!"

Then there's the challenge of figuring out how to make the image I've photoshopped together into a paper, ink, and wax seal reality. I think yesterday we figured out most of the seal part, that she actually wants a wax seal on the invites instead of just foil stickers. I gave her a website with a lot of different options to look at and choose one from. I also suggested that she get two of them, and not put the date on them so that she and her fiance would have them to use forever. She really liked that idea.

So right now I have like 7 photoshop images where I've tried out this idea or the other to show her, and a definite excitement about a claddagh wax seal. Because I want everybody to ooh and aah over her invites when we send them out I am not going to put any pictures up of the ideas we're working on, but that's pretty much all the creative work I've done this week.

This weekend we're going to michigan to visit part of my mom's side of the family, and I'm bound and determined to put my new point-and-shoot camera to use and take beautiful pictures of people I love. And maybe document the awesome 12 hour drive mom and I shall embark on by ourselves.

That was my week in creativity. How was yours?

Just Enough Education to Perform

I'm about to graduate from college.

which to me means that I get to stop paying other people to educate me, and start educating myself.

Before college I read ravenously, and during breaks I would stay up all night reading whole books at a time.

I want to keep reading. I want to keep learning.
But I need some help. So if you read this, answer these questions. or just one of them.

What is your favorite book? why?
What was the best classic book you were assigned in high school?
What book have you read more than twice, and just might pick up and read again tomorrow?
What book would you assign the whole world if you could?
What is the funniest book you have ever read?


Add to my "to read" list!

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #1

So last week I joined up with the RagamuffinTop Challenge.

Started tracking my food intake on DailyPlate, which has a whole database of foods, and their nutrition facts, so you can track whatever you eat, and your water intake as well. You can also put in your weight/height info and how much weight you want to lose a week and they'll give you a recommended caloric intake. I've been doing that, and also using that food information to calculate weight watcher points from a formula I found online. Right now I have 28points a day and 35flex points. I'm trying to stay under both the recommended caloric intake and the points, but happy if I stay under one of them just depending on what I eat.

I did pretty well for the first few days, but Wed. was my reception for my show, so I snacked a lot on the food I bought for the reception, and then Fri. was my defense and the final confirmation that I am going to graduate, so I've kind of been in "I don't care about my weight I'm celebrating right now!" mode the last couple of days. I have been trying to be better about moderation in my celebration...but yeah, not so good.

I weighed myself on our home scale yesterday morning, the scale I'll actually be using until I move out, and it said 203. I don't know if it's the same or different from the doctor's scale, so I don't really know if I've gained/lost this week.

This week I'm gonna stick to my eating plan, and get some good exercise going. Swimming laps at the union hall is always something I enjoy, but I need to go get a good lap swimming bathing suit. I am not excited about finding one. Before swimming laps I'll try to do some weight training in the union hall gym. Hopefully they'll have equipment similar to that at school so I'll know how to use it. Also going to try to do some ab exercises every night before I go to bed. crunches, stretches, and we have this wheel thing that does a pretty good job.

That was my RagamuffinTop week. How was yours?

We live in a beautiful world

"I think you did a really good job."


the first words I heard as we started my thesis defense. and with those words, all the tension, all the stress, all the nerves of the past few months seemed totally worth it, and finally began to melt away.

"easy to read."
"insightful."

There were no questions I could not answer. There were no surprises. There were no major rejections of my ideas.

So my two committee members signed it, and my tutor will sign in when I make the few small edits (a comma here, a capitalization there...) and he looks at my final final final copy.


I. Am. Graduating.


and as if to confirm it further, I got a letter from Belmont today telling me when to pick up my cap and gown and when to show up on graduation day.



They asked me what I'm doing after graduation. I told them what I know:

1. I'm moving to brentwood for a while. lease is up next June.
2. I need to find a job to pay the bills.


and that's all I know right now. I'm looking, praying, and waiting for something to jump out at me. For God to send or speak some more definite direction into my life.


So for now I'm working on my resume. Trying to figure out how to put my personality, passions, and skills into words an employer will appreciate. I need to put together a nice portfolio, get together the best of my work from all my college art classes and various other ventures.

It's exciting. It's scary.


It's about time. ;-)



ps. if you want to read a 60pg paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use visual images in their sacred spaces...I know where you can get one. As long as your inbox holds a 15mb attachment.

More thesis imagery

Here's some more images from my thesis show (three more & an explanation of the premise of the thesis and the exhibit are in the post below)! I had the reception for it last night, and about 15 people came by to check it out. I had a good time with everybody, just chatting and snacking and suck. I have my oral defense tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.

picture of a painting taken by a cell phone...so not the greatest

another picture of a painting taken by a cell phone

What's your latest creative venture?

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

The past 24 hours have been crazy. crazy in a really good way.

I got my thesis mini-exhibit up in the honors house last night (I call it a mini-exhibit cause there are only 9 pieces). This includes doing an entire painting yesterday. Got to love Acrylic paint and a simple arabesque design. I was able to print out my remaining digital prints in the art building, on a day it was supposed to be closed, because there was some sort of special event going on. Probably saved me $100 and I got to use my own paper.

So it's up. 9 pieces that I created hanging in a space for people to see. Each responding to how three religious traditions (Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy and Islam) use images in their sacred spaces. It's pretty exciting. The only other times I have shown art have been in Teen Art Shows at the arts guild. But this one is all me, baby.

Here's a glimpse:
Last night I put the finishing touches on the written thesis. It is 60 pages long. 51 pages of actual researched text, and 9 pages of bibligraphy, figure table, and appendix. Longest thing I have ever written. Last thing I will ever write for school.

This morning I picked up 3 copies of it from Kinko's (which I ordered online last night! how cool is that!) and dropped them off with the members of my committe. I also returned all my library books.

My oral defense is Friday. Hopefully there won't be anything too drastic to change. I don't think there will be. I trust Dr. Gwaltney, and he seems to think it's good.


so what does that mean, folks?


That means I am 98% DONE with my thesis. Which means I'm 99.9% DONE with school.


I don't know if there is a smile big enough to express how happy I am.


Last night as I was driving home I was listening to Parachutes. "Yellow" came on...and all of a sudden it was for me. I've heard that song a million times. I've sang along to it millions of times. But last night it was for me.

Getting Real.

So I have become a bloggaholic. Meaning I have discovered the world of blogging, started my own, and am building a list of blogs I visit and read every day. Three of them are people I have never met, and don't know if I will ever meet...but they are so inspiring that I went back and read their archives. yup. years of posts. read them all (okay...not all of ragamuffin...but all the "soul essentials" and then from Jan 2007 onwards.). So here are the blogs I read everyday:

My best friend Anna
My friend Allyssa

Jon Acuff- Stuff Christians Like & 97secondswithgod
Christine Moers- Welcome to my brain
Carlos Whittaker-Ragamuffin Soul



Jon makes me laugh at the crazy Christian culture I have grown up in on Stuff Christians Like, and puts a new perspective on the Bible stories I have grown up with in 97secondswithgod. Since I became a religion major I got so jaded with Christian culture that I just tried to ignore/avoid it at all costs. But Jon puts all that back in my face, agreeing with me that some of it is ridiculous, but challenging me to think about why it is and how to change it. Jon also was how I found these other two.

Christine is pretty much awesome...and I want to be her when I grow up. biological mother, adoptive mother, foster mother, wife, earth lover, cheaptofree stuff lover. only I probably won't give up toilet paper, shampoo, and toothpaste like she has. I am, however, considering something else she has replaced. but that's another post for another day. She's struggled with depression, anxiety, and being overweight...all the things I am currently struggling with...and she is showing me that I can live with and through these things just fine.


Carlos is my latest addiction. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes me take a good hard look at myself and makes me want to try to be as real as he is.


So here is step 1 in my responding to what I have learned from my time reading these people's blogs.

I'm joining The RagammuffinTop Challenge.



When I feel depressed, stressed, or even just extremely bored...I eat. Food is comfort. Food is control. Food is something nice to do.

This past year and a half I have been UBER depressed. I have also been UBER stressed.


I've always struggled with my weight. Being tall I always felt like I was too big. But now I know that I am definitely getting fat.

Last semester I tried getting a personal trainer at school...but after my sessions were over working out became another thing on the "omgsomuchihavetodothisweek" list that got flaked out on so much because I got so overwhelmed. Needless to say, that whole process didn't stem the tide that is my waistline.


I am 5 foot 10 inches. When I went to the doctor Monday I weighed 203lbs (can't do the scale right now cause it's 3am and the scale is in my parent's room). I have been over 200lbs for at least 6 months now...and it is freaking me out.

When I moved into school last August I had about 5 pairs of jeans that fit me. Right now I have 2 of those 5 that I can squeeze in to, and one of those has holes on the inside of its thighs that are getting bigger every time I wear them.



So here are my 2 tangible goals:

1. Get down to 150 (this is a longterm goal...I haven't been 150 since middle school probably)
2. Get back into my other pairs of pants before these two are completely useless. (probably take 20lbs or its equivalent in inches)



Barring craziness I will be done with all stressful thesis/school things on Monday. Which means I will be down to very little stress. So this is a perfect time to get whatever diet/exercise routine I decide on started.


Help me do this. Keep me accountable. Make me post an update every week.

it's true, I'm ridiculous.

Was given a HUGE surprise by my parents the other day. Apparently they had college funds they set up for my sister and I...that they've never used. So, since I'm graduating, we are cashing out that fund...and I get to use the money to start my "big girl" life.

it's a huge chunk of change. like could have paid for my study abroad to Africa huge.

Did I mention that I LOVE my parents? That they are awesome and somehow always know the perfect way to provide for me? That might have something to do with the awesome God they serve...yeah, probably has a lot to do with that.

This is going to really help me. Pay off my credit card I bought my MacBook on (still a little over $1,000), the $50 on my target card, my rent and everything for August while I look for/start a job, any apartment stuff I need to buy, I can go get my MacBook check out to make sure I didn't do anything horrible to it when I dropped it (omg. worst. feeling. ever.)...so much stuff that I've been fretting over lately. taken care of.


And it'll leave me with a lot of money to play with. to put in savings or use to pay down my student loan...

or to buy this:



Isn't it PREEEEEEETTY!!!!1!!

I'm going to be moving somewhere where it might actually be practical...and since I'm going to be paying for gas at $4 a gallon...this baby gets over 100MPG on a 2gallon tank. $8 a fill-up. YES!, please.

But then I think...crap then I have to look at insurance on THAT too! and I am loathing looking at insurance. plus I'd have helmet hair all the time. attractive. and there are so many other things to do with that money.

and I'm pretty sure that my parents would be "disappointed" with me if I did that. and that's the absolute worst.



but a girl can dream, right?

Heavy TVs and Salty Pretzels

I think managing expectations is going to be vital in this fight of mine against depression.

I have a vivid imagination. Which means I tend to fantasize about how certain days/events/conversations/outings are going to play out. This gets me in trouble. a lot. Mostly because when I fantasize things I either fantasize them as an extreme worst case scenario, or I fantasize them as these magical things where everything is perfect.

neither is realistic or healthy...and the latter can bring out the depression monster really easily.

I know from experience that there are a few of my friends who are more likely to disappoint me or completely flake out on me. But instead of taking that into account when playing out my little mind events, it suddenly becomes a case where they are magically flake and disappointment free and we have a great time. Which, more often than not, is not the case.

Which means when they do flake...or when they do disappoint me...it opens the cage for the raging depression monster.


So my new goal is to manage my expectations.


I guess it's a case of not expecting an Auntie Anne's pretzel at the Target snack bar.

As you all should know, Auntie Anne's serves a delectible soft pretzel (and if you do not know this, please let me take you to Cool Springs and introduce you.). And if you love soft pretzels like I do, you pretty much crave them anytime you enter the mall. They are the perfect mix of slightly crispy outside, soft and lovely inside, and a light buttery glaze with the perfect amount of salt. Thinking about it is almost making me drool. Maybe I should make a trip to Cool Springs tomorrow...

anyways.

My sister and I went to Target today. She wanted to spend some of her waitressing cash on things for the apartment she is getting when she goes back to school, and I just wanted to get out of the house. Plus, Target is such a nice place to walk around and lust after things you can't afford for the house you don't have. lol

After she had made her purchases she decided she wanted a drink, and asked if I wanted one. I sure did. So we made our way to the Target snack bar, and she saw that they had soft pretzels. Would we both like one of those? um...yes. yes we would. So we got 2 soft pretzels and 2 drinks for 4something.

That should have been a clue right there. At Auntie Anne's 1 drink and 1 pretzel cost upwards of $5...so double that for the same money should have said something about the quality of what we were getting.

The pretzels were pretzel shaped. They were basically pretzel colored. And they had salt on them. But that was where the similarities between Auntie Anne's pretzels and Target snack bar pretzels should stop. And after eating less than half of my butter and salt slathered sponge I did stop. And to "stick it to the man" who served me such a travesty I dumped out the rest of my soda and filled it with delicious white cherry slushie. Take that, Target.

But honestly...should I have expected Auntie Anne's quality pretzel goodness from a cheap superstore snack bar? No. I shouldn't have. I should have expected something of lesser quality. I should have managed my expectations.


I need to do that more both in my consumer life and in my relational life.


So next time I am offered a situation that seems too good to be true...I will try to manage my expectations. Instead of taking steps to try to ensure the absolutely optimum situation, and having a TV try to kill me in the process, I will take things as they come. Anything can be made to look respectable with 30min. notice. Dad would have been here to move the TV for me today if it had been needed.

And by managing expectations I would not have been at all surprised and much less disappointed when none of it came to pass.

Meaning the depression monster wouldn't have reared it's ugly head.

Luckily he just poked his head out of the cave, roared a few times, and then I was able to convince him to go back inside and leave me alone.


I like it when I can do that. When it's controllable. When it doesn't come out in a swift cloud of fury, but instead starts to creep out and I can notice and stop it.


Personifying depression is silly...but it helps sometimes.

Git'er done!

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

I just finished the Islam section of my thesis.


Only the intro and conclusion before it's all sent to Dr. Gwaltney. Who will go through it and tell me the bazillion things that are wrong with it and that I'll have to fix.

BUT

the hardest part will be done. all the research, all the reading, all the struggling to start and finish paragraphs.


DONE!


soooooo giddy right now.



This will get done.
I will graduate.


I can do it.

Becoming a Big Girl

It's getting scary.


I'm almost done with my research/writing on Islam...the last of my 3 religions in my thesis. Then it's just the intro and conclusion to do. It will be "done" and to my committee by next Monday. Then I have to weeks to finish the artwork to go with the paper. I need to arrange with the honors house to show it...hmmm. put that on the "to-do" list.

Anyways...my thesis defense is the 18th of July. Then I have 2 weeks to tweek what they tell me to tweek and get it all printed the way it needs to be to turn in to the Honors Council on the 1st of August.


Graduation is the 8th of August.


I think right now the plan is for me to move in to the apartment on the 23rd. My sister is moving in to her apartment in Alabama on the 15th, so my dad can't help me move until the next weekend. And I need his truck and his muscle to move.


So sometime between now and then I have to find a job. A big girl job preferably. Although having done all the math with all the bills I'm going to have to start paying going back to Lowe's would cover it with more to spare. Sooooo...that's an option.

but in doing all that math I started freaking out.

freaking. the heck. out.


maybe it's because I'm currently unemployed...
maybe it's because when I did have a lot of money coming in I was saving for study abroad trips and blowing it on whatever I wanted. because I could...
maybe it's just the fact that I've never really had actual real life bills to pay...

but knowing that I'm soon going to be responsible for paying people $800 a month (rent, utilities, cable, student loan payment, insurance, etc) not including any money I need to eat, live, or drive on is super scary to me.

cause there's no flaking out on that.

just like there's no more flaking out on my thesis.


I never used to flake out on things. I was always there. always on time. always turned in and did everything and was a huge overachiever.

Then I overwhelmed myself with work. And life overwhelmed me with hurt.

and I burned out.

and I've been flakier and flakier ever since.


I hate that. I hate that I had to push graduation off til August because I flaked out on meeting thesis deadlines while balancing other coursework. other coursework that I also did a bit of flaking on.

I hate that I flake out on my friends sometimes. that I'll express interest or flat out say I'm going to do something with them and then flake out on it. If I've done that to you, I'm really sorry. cause I hate when people do that to me. and I hate when I do that to you, too.

I flake because I get overwhelmed really easily now. and depression rears it's ugly head far too often. it's not an excuse, it doesn't make it okay...but it is what it is.


I can't flake on my thesis right now. And I can't flake come August.


I have to be a big girl.


and it's freaking me out. cause I'm so scared that I can't do it. that I'll fail. again. and the consequences will be much bigger than graduating 3 months late.

Goggle Removers

It's interesting now that I can tell when I put the goggles on (read the first post if you haven't yet), and sometimes exactly what triggered it.

The hard part is figuring out what will take them off.


I tried several things yesterday:

1. I immediately called Anna to tell her about it...because I hoped that she would say something to put things into a new perspective and make me feel better about things. To be honest I don't even remember a lot of what she said about it...probably because she was just as shocked and confused about the situation as i was.

2. I called another boy who has never been the cause of drama in my life (in other people's lives, yes, but never MY life.) and who has always been a nice calming and entertaining presence.


During those conversations I felt fine...but the minute I hung up I felt the fog closing in again.


3. I did some housework. I watered my little potted garden outside and crushed the mountain of pop cans in our kitchen...hoping that the tiny mundane distractions would clear my head.

fail.

4. I made myself cry a little. When all else fails, I try to get myself to get it all out. So I thought about the worst thought the drama brought out, and tried to cry through it and get past it.

mega fail. just made things worse.


So i went back to pretending to work on my thesis while actually surfing the net, playing games, watching television and planning what I was going to munch on next. completely vegging and zoning out dulls the pain...doing mindless things keeps your mind from doing things. lol


I should have made myself get out of the house.


I did later that night. I ended up sitting in a school parking lot listening to music and staring at cloud shapes and stars with the person who helped unveil the assholishness of one boy and the ignorance of two girls. Talked about it about a bit awkwardly...stood together in silence with it for a bit...but then moved on to random and ridiculous topics.


That's when the goggles came off.


By the end of the evening I couldn't stop myself from talking about the most random stuff. I just felt chatty and happy. content to stand there and blabber for hours.


I dunno what that means exactly. cause I know that is not the exact formula to always remove the goggles...but it did the trick that time.

Depression Goggles

Sometimes I feel like life should come with warning labels like medicine bottles do. You know, those little stickers with the amusing illustrations that say interesting things like "Warning: May cause drowsiness," "Take with milk or food," or "Do not take with alcohol."

Much like many medications and alcohol, depression, stress, and drama do not mix well. In fact, they kind of feed off of each other. Each of the three monsters makes the others look bigger, scarier, and less defeatable.

I originally called this blog "the world through both my eyes" because I love photography. The lens is my other set of eyes, another way that I look at the world. It's also a reference to a John Mayer song...but we'll leave that alone for now.

But I guess in a way depression has become a second set of eyes for me as well. A third set of eyes? whatever. When something pulls the depression goggles out, that's they only way I can see things. It makes it so hard to focus on the good, or on what needs to be done, and makes it so easy to lay back in my pajamas with a bowl of something munchy and play a mindless computer game. I crave comfort so much when I'm depressed. I desire to shove everything that is uncomfortable away, forget it is there, save it for when I don't feel so damn sad.

Not such a good place to be when trying to graduate from college.

Right now the only thing standing between me and my degree is a paper. My honors thesis. A large paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use certain types of visual images in their sacred spaces. It's big and hard and stressful. And when the depression goggles come out, I just don't want to look at it.

Sometimes it even causes the depression goggles to come out. when I can't find what I need, or realize that everything is getting overdue, that I'm running out of time...I shut down.


Today it was drama that brought them out. Boy drama. I am 22. You would think that boy drama would have been left behind in high school. But I am a twisted soul who can't seem to attract or be attracted to boys who are drama free. And by drama free I mean boys who don't tell me they broke up with their girlfriend and try to date me while telling their (pregnant) girlfriend that they are still together and still love them.


So today, instead of finishing a section of my thesis and sending two sections off to my tutor, I got bogged down by drama...


and put on the depression goggles.



Warning: Thesis may be harder than it appears.

Warning: Boys are lying jerks. May cause heartache.

Do not take either with clinical depression.