We all need place we can go and feel over the rainbow

Is there anything a candlelit bath with great smelling bath oil, some Amos Lee, and a fuzzy robe can't fix?


ok. don't answer that question.
but it sure made me feel a lot better tonight.


After getting up at the buttcrack of dawn to spend a long day selling junk I don't want anymore to strangers who don't want to pay $3 for an entire queen size sheet set, I just needed it.

really needed it.

and to be completely honest right now I just want to pour a glass of wine and cuddle up on the couch with someone.


As it is, I will probably drink a big glass of ice water and go to bed. which sounds almost as good as the wine and the cuddling.

almost. ;-)

Free Communication Weekend

So I kind of feel foolish.

Eharmony is having a Free Communication Weekend.

Chelle is always going on and on about how I should find a guy, how I should try online dating, blah blah blah. Ashley met her fiancee online.

I had an Eharmony profile before...just curiosity I guess, just to see who they would match me with. But since I refused to pay for it that's all it was. Me looking at the type of people they matched me with. not even pictures, just whatever answers they had on their profile.

I never really got excited about anybody.

I really didn't think online dating was for me.


But I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of never being asked out on dates. I'm tired of all the guys I am interested in never being interested in me in the same way, or actually being jerks with girlfriends they never actually broke up with, or deciding they like my best friends more than me.


So I'm giving Eharmony another shot. I created another profile where I am trying to be real honest. And it's free communication weekend, so I've sent questions to like 4 guys who made me go "hmmmmm he sounds pretty awesome." Still no pictures...but that's alright with me for now.

But I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. And feel like it's something I shouldn't have to be doing. but I'm doing it.

I guess the worst that can happen is nobody thinks I'm interesting...which just leaves me in the same place. Or somebody does think I'm interesting and I think their interesting and I get a free meal even if we don't get along well. I'm not even going to think about a best case scenario...cause that's just crazy talk.


Maybe this whole thing is crazy talk.

Eh, it's just a weekend, right?

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #6

I'll just cut right to the chase...I stayed the same again.


195.
0 lbs lost this week.
8lbs lost overall.


I'm trying to keep myself upbeat about it by saying at least I haven't gained.
But deep inside it's kind of fueling my depression. kind of fueling a desire to eat more just because eating less isn't working so I might as well have something to make me happy.

But I will do better. I will get my YMCA membership and start swimming laps and doing some weight training. I will.

I will start losing weight again.

How did you other RagamuffinTop participants do?

let's talk

I had a thought this morning that I need some feedback on. I need some discussion and debate. I need to figure out what reactions to it make sense to me, and what reactions I find silly. Because this thought made my head spin around a little and I want to get it set back on. Here it is:

As Christians we believe that God's ultimate gift to us, the key to our redemption from sin and eternal life in the presence of God came in the form of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It came in the form of the brutal, agonizing, cruel and unusual Roman form of capital punishment exhibited on the most innocent man in the history of the universe. The cross was the Roman electric chair. It was the Roman lethal injection. Only it was so much more agonizing, bloody, and brutal than either of those. We are saved by the blood shed via the capital punishment of a completely innocent man. No Roman capital punishment = no Crucifixion

So how should Christians feel about the government practicing capital punishment on men tried and proven guilty of heinous crimes?

Does thinking about the Crucifixion as capital punishment change how you think about it?

What do you think?

I like making up extended metaphors.

Life is finger painting. If you do it right...it's messy.

You start out with a clean sheet and a lot of choices.
You end up with a beautifully complete picture and clean hands.
But when you're in the middle of it...if you're really doing it...you're a hot mess.

(image on stockxchng by flaivoloka)

I'm in the middle of it. I'm a hot mess.

but one day I'll be complete. my painting will be finished. my hands cleaned by my Father. and I will be home.

but for now I'm gonna paint. I'm gonna be messy. And I'm gonna try to make the most of every beautiful, messy, ugly, thrilling, perfect, painful second.


Because I stood and stared at that blank paper, afraid to get messy, for far too long.

like the rain in a downpour

Today is really hard.

I'm in the middle of sorting through 22 years worth of stuff. pictures, programs, tickets, momentos, some memories happy, some sad, and some painful reminders of what used to be and now is gone.

Took puppy out this morning...and she got sick. Apparently I asked the vet for medicine for the wrong worms last week, so instead of catching them early they have had a whole other week to grow and multiply and now she's sickly and tired. Got and gave her the right medicine today, so hopefully she will feel better soon. It's just frustrating to worry about my puppy and frustrating that something I thought I took care of actually didn't get taken care of and now is worse.

My dad isn't coming home this weekend to help me move. Not his fault, but it's still a hassle and disappointing. Just means I have to find other people to help. I don't like asking other people for help. It's ironic, because I just realized I feel the same way about asking for help as Chelle as developed recently. I feel like if people decline to help me it's because I'm not worth their help. Because they don't like me enough to help me, or don't think I deserve the help I'm asking for. Chelle expressed the same thing to me and I told her she was being silly. That if people can't help you it's because they can't. It's a problem with them, not with you.

It's a problem with them, not with me.

I need to ask.



But all this combined with certain other things that are floating around in my head have converged to call out the depression monster. He's in rare form today, seeing as I've been so happy the last few. He wants me to break down, cry, give up on packing and puppy and life in general. He wants me to think that things that aren't my fault or my problem actually are mine to worry about. He wants me drinking Mt. Dew and eating everything I know is not good for me and my weight loss goals. He wants me frazzled, overwhelmed, and paralyzed by sadness.

Not today, sir.
Not today.

"In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

there is a feeling that you should just go home, and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is."
~Jump Little Children- Cathedrals


Yes, yes, I know, Jon already gave props to this song on SCL, but I like to title posts with song lyrics and this is the first song that came to mind and seemed to fit. Plus, maybe if I get enough people to love JLC as much as I then they will get back together. hey, a girl can dream.

anyways, on to the purpose of this post:


I went to church today for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, I know, I'm the world's worst religion major, and on the "bad christian" list. whatever.

I'm in this weird place where I don't feel like the type of church I grew up in suits my belief system anymore. like it's not my spiritual home anymore. Last time I went I sat through a sermon on the evils of abortion that made me want to scream (not because I like abortion, but because I think the church should preach towards things like love, service, and charity instead of preaching against specific sins). At the same time, I haven't taken the time or energy to seek out a church that DOES fit...so I don't go.

But I went today. Mostly because my mom gave me this very loving look last night and said "I'd really like it if you came to church tomorrow." And how can you say no to that? Especially when it's my last weekend living in her house? so I went.

The service was great. They are doing a series on brokenness, and during the last song we sang before the sermon a lot of church members walked across the stage with signs. On the brown side of the sign was written statements like "Addicted Alcoholic" "Sexually abused by 2 family members" and "Abortions" and then they would flip their signs over to a white back side that said things like "Jesus Addict" "I forgave because I am Forgiven" and "Mother and Grandmother." It was really powerful, made me cry like a river, especially since some of the people who walked across the stage were former sunday school teachers and friends of mine.

But that is another one of those things that gets to me every time I go back to that place.

I'm "going back" to who I was before college. I go back to the little girl they watched grow up. Watched come every sunday. Watched sing in the youth choir, youth ensemble, and youth praise band. Watched go to camps and mission trips, do Evangelism Explosion, and dedicate my life to serving God. Watched be the "perfect Christian girl" who never cussed, never smoked, never drank, and signed the True Love Waits commitment card. I'm going back to that girl who was completely ruled by fear, guilt, insecurity, and completely uncomfortable in her own skin.

It makes me feel completely fake. Because I feel like I have to put on my "perfect christian girl" face there. I even feel weird adding anybody from that church on facebook or myspace just because I know some REAL pictures are going to show up...or I'll write something real...and I feel like they'll judge me.

"Look at that girl...she used to be such a good girl...look what Belmont did to her."

It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am now. I'm not. Sure, I may use the occasional profanity, smoke the occasional clove cigarette, have the occasional alocoholic beverage, may have done things with certain boys that would make them blush, and I'm working through this fiend called Depression. But I'm not ashamed of those things.

I'm not a horrible person.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm still a virgin.
And I have people in my life who give me more moments of happiness than any of them ever did.

Even better than all of those things...I'm REAL. I may not be perfect, but I don't pretend that I am. I don't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend.

I know who I am now. Not who they wanted me to be, but who I am.

I'm sure there are a number of people at that church who would more than accept me for who I am now. Who would wrap their arms around me and say they are proud of me, they love me, and God loves me. But I'm just as sure that there are people who would be disappointed with things I have decided are permissable for my life.

And I can't handle the disappointment of people who were giants in my young eyes.

So next Sunday I am going with Chelle to the church she goes to. Because Chelle will be my roommate and it will be convenient. Because Chelle and I have similar spiritual ideas and I want to see what she loves about this church. And because Chelle knows ME, loves me, and people at a new church can get to know me, and love me, and I can get connected into a community as myself. with authenticity. without fear of disappointing them with who I am.

I can worship loud, with hands and heart upheld...and then go have lunch at a pub and discuss the sermon over a pint.

And that sounds like heaven here on earth to me. It sounds like home.

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #5

Hey Ragamuffiners, and everybody else who comes across my blog!

It's update number 5 for my ragamuffintop challenge.

Can't say it's been a great week. Given in to some junk foody temptations (Arby's, family Pizza night, cheeseburger), and had a lot of "empty calories" Wednesday to celebrate a good friend's 21st birthday.

However, I haven't completely fallen off the wagon, and even managed not to gain any weight from it.

This week I weight the same as last week: 195.

So that's still a total loss of 8lbs from my original weight of 203.

Hopefully I can kick it back into gear this week, resist temptation, and get some good old fashioned exercise in there besides my tug-of-war fests with the puppy.

What is your biggest food temptation?

I'm an Alumni.

I suppose a great title for a blog about getting my degree would be "I spent 4 years and 100,000 and all I got was this piece of paper." But it sure is a glorious piece of paper:


I may have done it 3 months behind schedule...but I did it. I actually did it.

For a while I didn't think I could. I wanted to give up and forget that the last four years had ever happened. man. There were a tough four years. The toughest of my life.


Freshman year I entered Belmont University and the Honors program.

Over that year my two best friends in the world decided that they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore.

Spring semester freshman year Grandfather on my mother's side had his first severe onset of dementia while staying with my family, and thought my parents were strangers holding him hostage. He tried a couple of times to physically attack my mother. He was diagnosed with lewy bodies.

That summer I got a part time job at Lowe's and one of my uncles on my mother's side moved in with us. He stayed here to work while we went to spend Christmas with my dad's family in Mississippi. We got a call Christmas day saying he was in the hospital, had been found wandering the streets of our town after some sort of mental breakdown at work. We rushed home, he was put in a mental institution for a couple of weeks, and is currently in an assisted living apartment complex.

The next spring my grandmother on my mom's side developed a non-cancerous, inoperable tumor on her liver.

I was selected to be an RA in the Honors house for my Junior year. all Junior year I carried a 17hour class load while working 15 hours each weekend at Lowe's, working 20+ hours a week as an RA, plus extra time spent in meetings, inservices, and planning programs.

My grandmother's tumor kept growing and using up more of her blood supply til she had to have weekly blood transfusions. She decided she no longer wanted the transfusions, and died during the lead up to finals fall semester my Junior year.


I left the day after the first Christmas without my grandmother for a 2 week study abroad trip to London, which came back 2 days after I was supposed to be back to campus to get RA and school stuff underway.

Finals time spring semester Junior year my grandfather died.


I left the day after RA stuff ended for a 2 week study abroad trip to South Africa/Botswana.

I came back to full time hours at Lowe's and papers to write from my study abroad trip.

I burnt out.

I sank deeper and deeper into the depression that I've flirted with since middle school.

Research and preparations I was supposed to be making to write my senior honors thesis went undone.

I put in my 2 weeks notice at Lowe's, only to be rear-ended, given whip-lash and having to quit before those two weeks were up.

Fall semester Senior year I went to see a school counselor. After our first meeting she sent me to a psychiatrist's office for a "medication assessment." I was put on prozac.

I gained 30lbs.

Spring semester I took myself off Prozac.

I had to face the fact that I wasn't going to graduate in May, and if i didn't get myself together and focus I wasn't going to graduate in August either. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up and forget getting a stupid degree.

A lot of times over those 4 years I wanted to die.

Sometimes I think my mother is the only reason I did it. Sometimes I think she's the only reason I'm still here at all. Cause after everything she has been through, all the heartbreak and loss she has been through over these 4 years, I couldn't be another loss. I couldn't be another disappointment. She means the world to me. She's never given up on me. Always reminded me that God has a plan, and that "this too will pass." Always held me while I cried uncontrollably and for no rational reason. Always sent money, text messages, and care packages at exactly the right time.



She's my hero.

And I definitely do not tell her that often enough.

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #4

This week has been extremely exciting. on Wednesday I got my puppy, and yesterday I recieved my bachelor's degree!! (more on that later...only awake enough for one post tonight) I've been a lot more active this week, not much exercising, but a lot of running around doing last minute graduation dress/shoe/accessorie/gift shopping, taking the dog for walks, etc.

I've also been rocking my dieting, even as my calorie intake gets less as I put in the weight that I have lost...and drinking as much water as I can.

As a result, when I weighed myself this morning....

195!!!

Thats a loss of fricken 4lbs this week!!!! 8lbs overall!

so excited. and this week will be a lot of packing, lifting, sorting, boxing things, and more puppy playing/training...so I'm hoping to keep the losing up!


I fit perfectly into a skirt today that was uncomfortable around the waist the last time i put it on. that made me really happy. One of my goals is to fit into the rest of the jeans I took to school with me last august...but I'm too scared to try them until I lose a total of 20lbs. maybe I'll try at 10. maybe. or maybe if I need some extra incentive.

How are you other RagamuffinTops doing?

Dakota!

I got a dog yesterday. :-D

She's adorable. sweet. and follows me everywhere.



feist/miniature pincher mix
16lbs
about 4 months old



made a complete mess of her kennel today when I left her to go do some shopping.
peed on the floor immediately after eating her dinner tonight.


but she already knows her name.
and is learning how to heel.
and sit.
and to stay "off" the furniture.
she's smart.

I love her.

Fail.

okay...so I know I said I'd update with something non-weight related...


but it just became midnight...which means that Breaking Dawn just hit my Kindle.




so I'm reading. and wishing I was a vampire...or dating a vampire.

I'm such a dork.




so while I go and drool over Edward Cullen...what's your dorky pleasure??

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #3

Dang. Has it really been a week since I have posted on my blog? I suck.


But I had an excellent time in Michigan, took some fun pictures, and will post some of them tonight so that there will be something for everybody to know about besides my weight. Because really, that's the least interesting part of my life.


Anyways, on to this whole update thing.



Down to 199!!!


That means I am officially under 200 now, and I want to stay that way. FOREVER!


So that means 4lbs lost total...2lbs this week.


I still suck at exercising, but the eating is still going well. If I'm losing 2lbs a week just eating better, who knows how much I can rock it if I get my butt in gear!!! It's just hard right now cause I'm trying to figure out something I can do until I get settled in Brentwood and can join the Y.

No, that's a lie. It's really because I'm a lazy butt. yell at me. call me names. make me exercise!!!


I did a 10 minute trainer exercise video thing with my aunt while I was in Michigan and it kicked my butt. She did a whole other 10 minutes and I just laid on the floor doing some crunches cause I thought I would die during the course of the next 10 minute video.

ughhhhhhhh.

I also went wedding dress shopping with my best friend today...and tried on a few bridesmaid dresses...NON of which fit me. 12s, 14s...forget thinking about the 10s. I used to fit in a 12, a 14 easy if the line ran small.

The wedding is the end of February. I WILL fit into a 12 (maybe a 10!)...and I will look FIERCE!

But seriously. kick my butt.