I stole a video

I stole this from Christine.

let's talk

I had a thought this morning that I need some feedback on. I need some discussion and debate. I need to figure out what reactions to it make sense to me, and what reactions I find silly. Because this thought made my head spin around a little and I want to get it set back on. Here it is:

As Christians we believe that God's ultimate gift to us, the key to our redemption from sin and eternal life in the presence of God came in the form of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It came in the form of the brutal, agonizing, cruel and unusual Roman form of capital punishment exhibited on the most innocent man in the history of the universe. The cross was the Roman electric chair. It was the Roman lethal injection. Only it was so much more agonizing, bloody, and brutal than either of those. We are saved by the blood shed via the capital punishment of a completely innocent man. No Roman capital punishment = no Crucifixion

So how should Christians feel about the government practicing capital punishment on men tried and proven guilty of heinous crimes?

Does thinking about the Crucifixion as capital punishment change how you think about it?

What do you think?

I like making up extended metaphors.

Life is finger painting. If you do it right...it's messy.

You start out with a clean sheet and a lot of choices.
You end up with a beautifully complete picture and clean hands.
But when you're in the middle of it...if you're really doing it...you're a hot mess.

(image on stockxchng by flaivoloka)

I'm in the middle of it. I'm a hot mess.

but one day I'll be complete. my painting will be finished. my hands cleaned by my Father. and I will be home.

but for now I'm gonna paint. I'm gonna be messy. And I'm gonna try to make the most of every beautiful, messy, ugly, thrilling, perfect, painful second.


Because I stood and stared at that blank paper, afraid to get messy, for far too long.

"In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

there is a feeling that you should just go home, and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is."
~Jump Little Children- Cathedrals


Yes, yes, I know, Jon already gave props to this song on SCL, but I like to title posts with song lyrics and this is the first song that came to mind and seemed to fit. Plus, maybe if I get enough people to love JLC as much as I then they will get back together. hey, a girl can dream.

anyways, on to the purpose of this post:


I went to church today for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, I know, I'm the world's worst religion major, and on the "bad christian" list. whatever.

I'm in this weird place where I don't feel like the type of church I grew up in suits my belief system anymore. like it's not my spiritual home anymore. Last time I went I sat through a sermon on the evils of abortion that made me want to scream (not because I like abortion, but because I think the church should preach towards things like love, service, and charity instead of preaching against specific sins). At the same time, I haven't taken the time or energy to seek out a church that DOES fit...so I don't go.

But I went today. Mostly because my mom gave me this very loving look last night and said "I'd really like it if you came to church tomorrow." And how can you say no to that? Especially when it's my last weekend living in her house? so I went.

The service was great. They are doing a series on brokenness, and during the last song we sang before the sermon a lot of church members walked across the stage with signs. On the brown side of the sign was written statements like "Addicted Alcoholic" "Sexually abused by 2 family members" and "Abortions" and then they would flip their signs over to a white back side that said things like "Jesus Addict" "I forgave because I am Forgiven" and "Mother and Grandmother." It was really powerful, made me cry like a river, especially since some of the people who walked across the stage were former sunday school teachers and friends of mine.

But that is another one of those things that gets to me every time I go back to that place.

I'm "going back" to who I was before college. I go back to the little girl they watched grow up. Watched come every sunday. Watched sing in the youth choir, youth ensemble, and youth praise band. Watched go to camps and mission trips, do Evangelism Explosion, and dedicate my life to serving God. Watched be the "perfect Christian girl" who never cussed, never smoked, never drank, and signed the True Love Waits commitment card. I'm going back to that girl who was completely ruled by fear, guilt, insecurity, and completely uncomfortable in her own skin.

It makes me feel completely fake. Because I feel like I have to put on my "perfect christian girl" face there. I even feel weird adding anybody from that church on facebook or myspace just because I know some REAL pictures are going to show up...or I'll write something real...and I feel like they'll judge me.

"Look at that girl...she used to be such a good girl...look what Belmont did to her."

It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am now. I'm not. Sure, I may use the occasional profanity, smoke the occasional clove cigarette, have the occasional alocoholic beverage, may have done things with certain boys that would make them blush, and I'm working through this fiend called Depression. But I'm not ashamed of those things.

I'm not a horrible person.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm still a virgin.
And I have people in my life who give me more moments of happiness than any of them ever did.

Even better than all of those things...I'm REAL. I may not be perfect, but I don't pretend that I am. I don't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend.

I know who I am now. Not who they wanted me to be, but who I am.

I'm sure there are a number of people at that church who would more than accept me for who I am now. Who would wrap their arms around me and say they are proud of me, they love me, and God loves me. But I'm just as sure that there are people who would be disappointed with things I have decided are permissable for my life.

And I can't handle the disappointment of people who were giants in my young eyes.

So next Sunday I am going with Chelle to the church she goes to. Because Chelle will be my roommate and it will be convenient. Because Chelle and I have similar spiritual ideas and I want to see what she loves about this church. And because Chelle knows ME, loves me, and people at a new church can get to know me, and love me, and I can get connected into a community as myself. with authenticity. without fear of disappointing them with who I am.

I can worship loud, with hands and heart upheld...and then go have lunch at a pub and discuss the sermon over a pint.

And that sounds like heaven here on earth to me. It sounds like home.