RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #2

This week hasn't been too bad. I'm getting used to the calorie amount I can eat, and converting it to points is easy. I also give myself one free meal a week, so I have that to look forward to. I don't feel as hungry as I did all the time last week, which has helped me stick to my plan. I also notice that I am feeling fuller after smaller meals and snacks, which is good too.

I've been bad about going to work out though. I managed to find a swimsuit I can do laps in on Tuesday, but I didn't get to the pool after that. I did my ab workouts a couple of nights, but nothing besides that. I could blame it on unexpected thesis things coming up, and friends inviting me out and such...but I just haven't gotten myself to find the time to do it.

But I did weight myself friday morning before we left to come to Michigan: 201!

So a definite loss of 2lbs for this week. :-)

How did you do?

A Rush of Blood to the Head

Had a conversation a while back with one of my best friends. We were talking about different things, when we got on the subject of the presidential elections and he brought up Obama's statements about talking to certain foreign leaders.

This brought up the subject of negotiations with terrorists. I wish I had saved the conversation. I wish that I could copy and paste it here so you could get his argument as well as what I'm about to say. But a few days after we had the conversation he sent me an attachment titled "why I don't negotiate." It was a quiz he had made, with questions about who had commited certain acts of violence against the United States and its citizens. And the answer to each and every one of them was obvious:

"Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40"

His main point being that there are people you can't negotiate with. There are even groups of people that you can't negotiate with.

It's a good point. There are people in the world who have closed their minds and hearts to words. Who only communicate in violence.

I just don't want the United States government to be one of those groups of people.


Ruling out conversation severely limits options. It prevents us from hearing complaints and requests that can be legitimately dealt with. And it keeps us from hearing complaints and requests that can make us look critically at ourselves.


Shutting the world out is easy. Shutting people out is easy. Deciding that you are right and everyone else is wrong is easy.

Hating is easy.

Loving is hard.

Letting the world in is hard. Letting people in is hard. Hearing all the sides and learning that there are things that you have done poorly in the past and are doing poorly now that you need to change is hard.



Being willing to talk to them doesn't mean that they will talk to us. It doesn't mean we'll get the chance to talk. It doesn't mean we'll get the chance to listen. It doesn't mean they'll stop hating us.

But not being willing to talk doesn't even give us that chance.

It doesn't mean that talking is our only option. but it means that talking is one option. It means that we haven't set a precedence of shutting ourselves off. It means we haven't set a precedence of hate. It means that if in the future a group of people emerges from the middle east who we can negotiate with...we can.

I just want conversation to always be an option.
I just want love to always be an option.


am I wrong? what do you think?

Creative Chaos: the Wedding edition!

So i haven't really been doing lots of creative things while putting the finishing touches on my Thesis (I hate formatting/editing word documents and inserting images into them. HATE. and I refuse to count it as creative work.)...but there is one thing I've been working on and getting really excited about.

My best friend's wedding!!

She's asked me to design the invitations for it, so I've gone through about 10 different color combinations and ideas on how they should look. Of course she's changed her mind about 10 different times too...but she gets to! she's the bride! lol

But it's really exciting to try to merge what I hear her saying about what she wants the wedding to be like with other things I know about her (like her love of irish things like claddagh rings) to design something she looks at and goes "oooooh! I love it!"

Then there's the challenge of figuring out how to make the image I've photoshopped together into a paper, ink, and wax seal reality. I think yesterday we figured out most of the seal part, that she actually wants a wax seal on the invites instead of just foil stickers. I gave her a website with a lot of different options to look at and choose one from. I also suggested that she get two of them, and not put the date on them so that she and her fiance would have them to use forever. She really liked that idea.

So right now I have like 7 photoshop images where I've tried out this idea or the other to show her, and a definite excitement about a claddagh wax seal. Because I want everybody to ooh and aah over her invites when we send them out I am not going to put any pictures up of the ideas we're working on, but that's pretty much all the creative work I've done this week.

This weekend we're going to michigan to visit part of my mom's side of the family, and I'm bound and determined to put my new point-and-shoot camera to use and take beautiful pictures of people I love. And maybe document the awesome 12 hour drive mom and I shall embark on by ourselves.

That was my week in creativity. How was yours?

Just Enough Education to Perform

I'm about to graduate from college.

which to me means that I get to stop paying other people to educate me, and start educating myself.

Before college I read ravenously, and during breaks I would stay up all night reading whole books at a time.

I want to keep reading. I want to keep learning.
But I need some help. So if you read this, answer these questions. or just one of them.

What is your favorite book? why?
What was the best classic book you were assigned in high school?
What book have you read more than twice, and just might pick up and read again tomorrow?
What book would you assign the whole world if you could?
What is the funniest book you have ever read?


Add to my "to read" list!

RagamuffinTop Challenge: Update #1

So last week I joined up with the RagamuffinTop Challenge.

Started tracking my food intake on DailyPlate, which has a whole database of foods, and their nutrition facts, so you can track whatever you eat, and your water intake as well. You can also put in your weight/height info and how much weight you want to lose a week and they'll give you a recommended caloric intake. I've been doing that, and also using that food information to calculate weight watcher points from a formula I found online. Right now I have 28points a day and 35flex points. I'm trying to stay under both the recommended caloric intake and the points, but happy if I stay under one of them just depending on what I eat.

I did pretty well for the first few days, but Wed. was my reception for my show, so I snacked a lot on the food I bought for the reception, and then Fri. was my defense and the final confirmation that I am going to graduate, so I've kind of been in "I don't care about my weight I'm celebrating right now!" mode the last couple of days. I have been trying to be better about moderation in my celebration...but yeah, not so good.

I weighed myself on our home scale yesterday morning, the scale I'll actually be using until I move out, and it said 203. I don't know if it's the same or different from the doctor's scale, so I don't really know if I've gained/lost this week.

This week I'm gonna stick to my eating plan, and get some good exercise going. Swimming laps at the union hall is always something I enjoy, but I need to go get a good lap swimming bathing suit. I am not excited about finding one. Before swimming laps I'll try to do some weight training in the union hall gym. Hopefully they'll have equipment similar to that at school so I'll know how to use it. Also going to try to do some ab exercises every night before I go to bed. crunches, stretches, and we have this wheel thing that does a pretty good job.

That was my RagamuffinTop week. How was yours?

We live in a beautiful world

"I think you did a really good job."


the first words I heard as we started my thesis defense. and with those words, all the tension, all the stress, all the nerves of the past few months seemed totally worth it, and finally began to melt away.

"easy to read."
"insightful."

There were no questions I could not answer. There were no surprises. There were no major rejections of my ideas.

So my two committee members signed it, and my tutor will sign in when I make the few small edits (a comma here, a capitalization there...) and he looks at my final final final copy.


I. Am. Graduating.


and as if to confirm it further, I got a letter from Belmont today telling me when to pick up my cap and gown and when to show up on graduation day.



They asked me what I'm doing after graduation. I told them what I know:

1. I'm moving to brentwood for a while. lease is up next June.
2. I need to find a job to pay the bills.


and that's all I know right now. I'm looking, praying, and waiting for something to jump out at me. For God to send or speak some more definite direction into my life.


So for now I'm working on my resume. Trying to figure out how to put my personality, passions, and skills into words an employer will appreciate. I need to put together a nice portfolio, get together the best of my work from all my college art classes and various other ventures.

It's exciting. It's scary.


It's about time. ;-)



ps. if you want to read a 60pg paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use visual images in their sacred spaces...I know where you can get one. As long as your inbox holds a 15mb attachment.

More thesis imagery

Here's some more images from my thesis show (three more & an explanation of the premise of the thesis and the exhibit are in the post below)! I had the reception for it last night, and about 15 people came by to check it out. I had a good time with everybody, just chatting and snacking and suck. I have my oral defense tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.

picture of a painting taken by a cell phone...so not the greatest

another picture of a painting taken by a cell phone

What's your latest creative venture?

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

The past 24 hours have been crazy. crazy in a really good way.

I got my thesis mini-exhibit up in the honors house last night (I call it a mini-exhibit cause there are only 9 pieces). This includes doing an entire painting yesterday. Got to love Acrylic paint and a simple arabesque design. I was able to print out my remaining digital prints in the art building, on a day it was supposed to be closed, because there was some sort of special event going on. Probably saved me $100 and I got to use my own paper.

So it's up. 9 pieces that I created hanging in a space for people to see. Each responding to how three religious traditions (Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy and Islam) use images in their sacred spaces. It's pretty exciting. The only other times I have shown art have been in Teen Art Shows at the arts guild. But this one is all me, baby.

Here's a glimpse:
Last night I put the finishing touches on the written thesis. It is 60 pages long. 51 pages of actual researched text, and 9 pages of bibligraphy, figure table, and appendix. Longest thing I have ever written. Last thing I will ever write for school.

This morning I picked up 3 copies of it from Kinko's (which I ordered online last night! how cool is that!) and dropped them off with the members of my committe. I also returned all my library books.

My oral defense is Friday. Hopefully there won't be anything too drastic to change. I don't think there will be. I trust Dr. Gwaltney, and he seems to think it's good.


so what does that mean, folks?


That means I am 98% DONE with my thesis. Which means I'm 99.9% DONE with school.


I don't know if there is a smile big enough to express how happy I am.


Last night as I was driving home I was listening to Parachutes. "Yellow" came on...and all of a sudden it was for me. I've heard that song a million times. I've sang along to it millions of times. But last night it was for me.

Getting Real.

So I have become a bloggaholic. Meaning I have discovered the world of blogging, started my own, and am building a list of blogs I visit and read every day. Three of them are people I have never met, and don't know if I will ever meet...but they are so inspiring that I went back and read their archives. yup. years of posts. read them all (okay...not all of ragamuffin...but all the "soul essentials" and then from Jan 2007 onwards.). So here are the blogs I read everyday:

My best friend Anna
My friend Allyssa

Jon Acuff- Stuff Christians Like & 97secondswithgod
Christine Moers- Welcome to my brain
Carlos Whittaker-Ragamuffin Soul



Jon makes me laugh at the crazy Christian culture I have grown up in on Stuff Christians Like, and puts a new perspective on the Bible stories I have grown up with in 97secondswithgod. Since I became a religion major I got so jaded with Christian culture that I just tried to ignore/avoid it at all costs. But Jon puts all that back in my face, agreeing with me that some of it is ridiculous, but challenging me to think about why it is and how to change it. Jon also was how I found these other two.

Christine is pretty much awesome...and I want to be her when I grow up. biological mother, adoptive mother, foster mother, wife, earth lover, cheaptofree stuff lover. only I probably won't give up toilet paper, shampoo, and toothpaste like she has. I am, however, considering something else she has replaced. but that's another post for another day. She's struggled with depression, anxiety, and being overweight...all the things I am currently struggling with...and she is showing me that I can live with and through these things just fine.


Carlos is my latest addiction. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes me take a good hard look at myself and makes me want to try to be as real as he is.


So here is step 1 in my responding to what I have learned from my time reading these people's blogs.

I'm joining The RagammuffinTop Challenge.



When I feel depressed, stressed, or even just extremely bored...I eat. Food is comfort. Food is control. Food is something nice to do.

This past year and a half I have been UBER depressed. I have also been UBER stressed.


I've always struggled with my weight. Being tall I always felt like I was too big. But now I know that I am definitely getting fat.

Last semester I tried getting a personal trainer at school...but after my sessions were over working out became another thing on the "omgsomuchihavetodothisweek" list that got flaked out on so much because I got so overwhelmed. Needless to say, that whole process didn't stem the tide that is my waistline.


I am 5 foot 10 inches. When I went to the doctor Monday I weighed 203lbs (can't do the scale right now cause it's 3am and the scale is in my parent's room). I have been over 200lbs for at least 6 months now...and it is freaking me out.

When I moved into school last August I had about 5 pairs of jeans that fit me. Right now I have 2 of those 5 that I can squeeze in to, and one of those has holes on the inside of its thighs that are getting bigger every time I wear them.



So here are my 2 tangible goals:

1. Get down to 150 (this is a longterm goal...I haven't been 150 since middle school probably)
2. Get back into my other pairs of pants before these two are completely useless. (probably take 20lbs or its equivalent in inches)



Barring craziness I will be done with all stressful thesis/school things on Monday. Which means I will be down to very little stress. So this is a perfect time to get whatever diet/exercise routine I decide on started.


Help me do this. Keep me accountable. Make me post an update every week.

it's true, I'm ridiculous.

Was given a HUGE surprise by my parents the other day. Apparently they had college funds they set up for my sister and I...that they've never used. So, since I'm graduating, we are cashing out that fund...and I get to use the money to start my "big girl" life.

it's a huge chunk of change. like could have paid for my study abroad to Africa huge.

Did I mention that I LOVE my parents? That they are awesome and somehow always know the perfect way to provide for me? That might have something to do with the awesome God they serve...yeah, probably has a lot to do with that.

This is going to really help me. Pay off my credit card I bought my MacBook on (still a little over $1,000), the $50 on my target card, my rent and everything for August while I look for/start a job, any apartment stuff I need to buy, I can go get my MacBook check out to make sure I didn't do anything horrible to it when I dropped it (omg. worst. feeling. ever.)...so much stuff that I've been fretting over lately. taken care of.


And it'll leave me with a lot of money to play with. to put in savings or use to pay down my student loan...

or to buy this:



Isn't it PREEEEEEETTY!!!!1!!

I'm going to be moving somewhere where it might actually be practical...and since I'm going to be paying for gas at $4 a gallon...this baby gets over 100MPG on a 2gallon tank. $8 a fill-up. YES!, please.

But then I think...crap then I have to look at insurance on THAT too! and I am loathing looking at insurance. plus I'd have helmet hair all the time. attractive. and there are so many other things to do with that money.

and I'm pretty sure that my parents would be "disappointed" with me if I did that. and that's the absolute worst.



but a girl can dream, right?

Heavy TVs and Salty Pretzels

I think managing expectations is going to be vital in this fight of mine against depression.

I have a vivid imagination. Which means I tend to fantasize about how certain days/events/conversations/outings are going to play out. This gets me in trouble. a lot. Mostly because when I fantasize things I either fantasize them as an extreme worst case scenario, or I fantasize them as these magical things where everything is perfect.

neither is realistic or healthy...and the latter can bring out the depression monster really easily.

I know from experience that there are a few of my friends who are more likely to disappoint me or completely flake out on me. But instead of taking that into account when playing out my little mind events, it suddenly becomes a case where they are magically flake and disappointment free and we have a great time. Which, more often than not, is not the case.

Which means when they do flake...or when they do disappoint me...it opens the cage for the raging depression monster.


So my new goal is to manage my expectations.


I guess it's a case of not expecting an Auntie Anne's pretzel at the Target snack bar.

As you all should know, Auntie Anne's serves a delectible soft pretzel (and if you do not know this, please let me take you to Cool Springs and introduce you.). And if you love soft pretzels like I do, you pretty much crave them anytime you enter the mall. They are the perfect mix of slightly crispy outside, soft and lovely inside, and a light buttery glaze with the perfect amount of salt. Thinking about it is almost making me drool. Maybe I should make a trip to Cool Springs tomorrow...

anyways.

My sister and I went to Target today. She wanted to spend some of her waitressing cash on things for the apartment she is getting when she goes back to school, and I just wanted to get out of the house. Plus, Target is such a nice place to walk around and lust after things you can't afford for the house you don't have. lol

After she had made her purchases she decided she wanted a drink, and asked if I wanted one. I sure did. So we made our way to the Target snack bar, and she saw that they had soft pretzels. Would we both like one of those? um...yes. yes we would. So we got 2 soft pretzels and 2 drinks for 4something.

That should have been a clue right there. At Auntie Anne's 1 drink and 1 pretzel cost upwards of $5...so double that for the same money should have said something about the quality of what we were getting.

The pretzels were pretzel shaped. They were basically pretzel colored. And they had salt on them. But that was where the similarities between Auntie Anne's pretzels and Target snack bar pretzels should stop. And after eating less than half of my butter and salt slathered sponge I did stop. And to "stick it to the man" who served me such a travesty I dumped out the rest of my soda and filled it with delicious white cherry slushie. Take that, Target.

But honestly...should I have expected Auntie Anne's quality pretzel goodness from a cheap superstore snack bar? No. I shouldn't have. I should have expected something of lesser quality. I should have managed my expectations.


I need to do that more both in my consumer life and in my relational life.


So next time I am offered a situation that seems too good to be true...I will try to manage my expectations. Instead of taking steps to try to ensure the absolutely optimum situation, and having a TV try to kill me in the process, I will take things as they come. Anything can be made to look respectable with 30min. notice. Dad would have been here to move the TV for me today if it had been needed.

And by managing expectations I would not have been at all surprised and much less disappointed when none of it came to pass.

Meaning the depression monster wouldn't have reared it's ugly head.

Luckily he just poked his head out of the cave, roared a few times, and then I was able to convince him to go back inside and leave me alone.


I like it when I can do that. When it's controllable. When it doesn't come out in a swift cloud of fury, but instead starts to creep out and I can notice and stop it.


Personifying depression is silly...but it helps sometimes.