I'm an Alumni.

I suppose a great title for a blog about getting my degree would be "I spent 4 years and 100,000 and all I got was this piece of paper." But it sure is a glorious piece of paper:


I may have done it 3 months behind schedule...but I did it. I actually did it.

For a while I didn't think I could. I wanted to give up and forget that the last four years had ever happened. man. There were a tough four years. The toughest of my life.


Freshman year I entered Belmont University and the Honors program.

Over that year my two best friends in the world decided that they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore.

Spring semester freshman year Grandfather on my mother's side had his first severe onset of dementia while staying with my family, and thought my parents were strangers holding him hostage. He tried a couple of times to physically attack my mother. He was diagnosed with lewy bodies.

That summer I got a part time job at Lowe's and one of my uncles on my mother's side moved in with us. He stayed here to work while we went to spend Christmas with my dad's family in Mississippi. We got a call Christmas day saying he was in the hospital, had been found wandering the streets of our town after some sort of mental breakdown at work. We rushed home, he was put in a mental institution for a couple of weeks, and is currently in an assisted living apartment complex.

The next spring my grandmother on my mom's side developed a non-cancerous, inoperable tumor on her liver.

I was selected to be an RA in the Honors house for my Junior year. all Junior year I carried a 17hour class load while working 15 hours each weekend at Lowe's, working 20+ hours a week as an RA, plus extra time spent in meetings, inservices, and planning programs.

My grandmother's tumor kept growing and using up more of her blood supply til she had to have weekly blood transfusions. She decided she no longer wanted the transfusions, and died during the lead up to finals fall semester my Junior year.


I left the day after the first Christmas without my grandmother for a 2 week study abroad trip to London, which came back 2 days after I was supposed to be back to campus to get RA and school stuff underway.

Finals time spring semester Junior year my grandfather died.


I left the day after RA stuff ended for a 2 week study abroad trip to South Africa/Botswana.

I came back to full time hours at Lowe's and papers to write from my study abroad trip.

I burnt out.

I sank deeper and deeper into the depression that I've flirted with since middle school.

Research and preparations I was supposed to be making to write my senior honors thesis went undone.

I put in my 2 weeks notice at Lowe's, only to be rear-ended, given whip-lash and having to quit before those two weeks were up.

Fall semester Senior year I went to see a school counselor. After our first meeting she sent me to a psychiatrist's office for a "medication assessment." I was put on prozac.

I gained 30lbs.

Spring semester I took myself off Prozac.

I had to face the fact that I wasn't going to graduate in May, and if i didn't get myself together and focus I wasn't going to graduate in August either. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up and forget getting a stupid degree.

A lot of times over those 4 years I wanted to die.

Sometimes I think my mother is the only reason I did it. Sometimes I think she's the only reason I'm still here at all. Cause after everything she has been through, all the heartbreak and loss she has been through over these 4 years, I couldn't be another loss. I couldn't be another disappointment. She means the world to me. She's never given up on me. Always reminded me that God has a plan, and that "this too will pass." Always held me while I cried uncontrollably and for no rational reason. Always sent money, text messages, and care packages at exactly the right time.



She's my hero.

And I definitely do not tell her that often enough.

We live in a beautiful world

"I think you did a really good job."


the first words I heard as we started my thesis defense. and with those words, all the tension, all the stress, all the nerves of the past few months seemed totally worth it, and finally began to melt away.

"easy to read."
"insightful."

There were no questions I could not answer. There were no surprises. There were no major rejections of my ideas.

So my two committee members signed it, and my tutor will sign in when I make the few small edits (a comma here, a capitalization there...) and he looks at my final final final copy.


I. Am. Graduating.


and as if to confirm it further, I got a letter from Belmont today telling me when to pick up my cap and gown and when to show up on graduation day.



They asked me what I'm doing after graduation. I told them what I know:

1. I'm moving to brentwood for a while. lease is up next June.
2. I need to find a job to pay the bills.


and that's all I know right now. I'm looking, praying, and waiting for something to jump out at me. For God to send or speak some more definite direction into my life.


So for now I'm working on my resume. Trying to figure out how to put my personality, passions, and skills into words an employer will appreciate. I need to put together a nice portfolio, get together the best of my work from all my college art classes and various other ventures.

It's exciting. It's scary.


It's about time. ;-)



ps. if you want to read a 60pg paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use visual images in their sacred spaces...I know where you can get one. As long as your inbox holds a 15mb attachment.

More thesis imagery

Here's some more images from my thesis show (three more & an explanation of the premise of the thesis and the exhibit are in the post below)! I had the reception for it last night, and about 15 people came by to check it out. I had a good time with everybody, just chatting and snacking and suck. I have my oral defense tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.

picture of a painting taken by a cell phone...so not the greatest

another picture of a painting taken by a cell phone

What's your latest creative venture?

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

The past 24 hours have been crazy. crazy in a really good way.

I got my thesis mini-exhibit up in the honors house last night (I call it a mini-exhibit cause there are only 9 pieces). This includes doing an entire painting yesterday. Got to love Acrylic paint and a simple arabesque design. I was able to print out my remaining digital prints in the art building, on a day it was supposed to be closed, because there was some sort of special event going on. Probably saved me $100 and I got to use my own paper.

So it's up. 9 pieces that I created hanging in a space for people to see. Each responding to how three religious traditions (Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy and Islam) use images in their sacred spaces. It's pretty exciting. The only other times I have shown art have been in Teen Art Shows at the arts guild. But this one is all me, baby.

Here's a glimpse:
Last night I put the finishing touches on the written thesis. It is 60 pages long. 51 pages of actual researched text, and 9 pages of bibligraphy, figure table, and appendix. Longest thing I have ever written. Last thing I will ever write for school.

This morning I picked up 3 copies of it from Kinko's (which I ordered online last night! how cool is that!) and dropped them off with the members of my committe. I also returned all my library books.

My oral defense is Friday. Hopefully there won't be anything too drastic to change. I don't think there will be. I trust Dr. Gwaltney, and he seems to think it's good.


so what does that mean, folks?


That means I am 98% DONE with my thesis. Which means I'm 99.9% DONE with school.


I don't know if there is a smile big enough to express how happy I am.


Last night as I was driving home I was listening to Parachutes. "Yellow" came on...and all of a sudden it was for me. I've heard that song a million times. I've sang along to it millions of times. But last night it was for me.

Git'er done!

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

I just finished the Islam section of my thesis.


Only the intro and conclusion before it's all sent to Dr. Gwaltney. Who will go through it and tell me the bazillion things that are wrong with it and that I'll have to fix.

BUT

the hardest part will be done. all the research, all the reading, all the struggling to start and finish paragraphs.


DONE!


soooooo giddy right now.



This will get done.
I will graduate.


I can do it.

Becoming a Big Girl

It's getting scary.


I'm almost done with my research/writing on Islam...the last of my 3 religions in my thesis. Then it's just the intro and conclusion to do. It will be "done" and to my committee by next Monday. Then I have to weeks to finish the artwork to go with the paper. I need to arrange with the honors house to show it...hmmm. put that on the "to-do" list.

Anyways...my thesis defense is the 18th of July. Then I have 2 weeks to tweek what they tell me to tweek and get it all printed the way it needs to be to turn in to the Honors Council on the 1st of August.


Graduation is the 8th of August.


I think right now the plan is for me to move in to the apartment on the 23rd. My sister is moving in to her apartment in Alabama on the 15th, so my dad can't help me move until the next weekend. And I need his truck and his muscle to move.


So sometime between now and then I have to find a job. A big girl job preferably. Although having done all the math with all the bills I'm going to have to start paying going back to Lowe's would cover it with more to spare. Sooooo...that's an option.

but in doing all that math I started freaking out.

freaking. the heck. out.


maybe it's because I'm currently unemployed...
maybe it's because when I did have a lot of money coming in I was saving for study abroad trips and blowing it on whatever I wanted. because I could...
maybe it's just the fact that I've never really had actual real life bills to pay...

but knowing that I'm soon going to be responsible for paying people $800 a month (rent, utilities, cable, student loan payment, insurance, etc) not including any money I need to eat, live, or drive on is super scary to me.

cause there's no flaking out on that.

just like there's no more flaking out on my thesis.


I never used to flake out on things. I was always there. always on time. always turned in and did everything and was a huge overachiever.

Then I overwhelmed myself with work. And life overwhelmed me with hurt.

and I burned out.

and I've been flakier and flakier ever since.


I hate that. I hate that I had to push graduation off til August because I flaked out on meeting thesis deadlines while balancing other coursework. other coursework that I also did a bit of flaking on.

I hate that I flake out on my friends sometimes. that I'll express interest or flat out say I'm going to do something with them and then flake out on it. If I've done that to you, I'm really sorry. cause I hate when people do that to me. and I hate when I do that to you, too.

I flake because I get overwhelmed really easily now. and depression rears it's ugly head far too often. it's not an excuse, it doesn't make it okay...but it is what it is.


I can't flake on my thesis right now. And I can't flake come August.


I have to be a big girl.


and it's freaking me out. cause I'm so scared that I can't do it. that I'll fail. again. and the consequences will be much bigger than graduating 3 months late.

Depression Goggles

Sometimes I feel like life should come with warning labels like medicine bottles do. You know, those little stickers with the amusing illustrations that say interesting things like "Warning: May cause drowsiness," "Take with milk or food," or "Do not take with alcohol."

Much like many medications and alcohol, depression, stress, and drama do not mix well. In fact, they kind of feed off of each other. Each of the three monsters makes the others look bigger, scarier, and less defeatable.

I originally called this blog "the world through both my eyes" because I love photography. The lens is my other set of eyes, another way that I look at the world. It's also a reference to a John Mayer song...but we'll leave that alone for now.

But I guess in a way depression has become a second set of eyes for me as well. A third set of eyes? whatever. When something pulls the depression goggles out, that's they only way I can see things. It makes it so hard to focus on the good, or on what needs to be done, and makes it so easy to lay back in my pajamas with a bowl of something munchy and play a mindless computer game. I crave comfort so much when I'm depressed. I desire to shove everything that is uncomfortable away, forget it is there, save it for when I don't feel so damn sad.

Not such a good place to be when trying to graduate from college.

Right now the only thing standing between me and my degree is a paper. My honors thesis. A large paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use certain types of visual images in their sacred spaces. It's big and hard and stressful. And when the depression goggles come out, I just don't want to look at it.

Sometimes it even causes the depression goggles to come out. when I can't find what I need, or realize that everything is getting overdue, that I'm running out of time...I shut down.


Today it was drama that brought them out. Boy drama. I am 22. You would think that boy drama would have been left behind in high school. But I am a twisted soul who can't seem to attract or be attracted to boys who are drama free. And by drama free I mean boys who don't tell me they broke up with their girlfriend and try to date me while telling their (pregnant) girlfriend that they are still together and still love them.


So today, instead of finishing a section of my thesis and sending two sections off to my tutor, I got bogged down by drama...


and put on the depression goggles.



Warning: Thesis may be harder than it appears.

Warning: Boys are lying jerks. May cause heartache.

Do not take either with clinical depression.