The Good Ole Hockey Game!

It's October, which means several fun things things happen...Halloween...my mom's birthday...but most importantly...


HOCKEY SEASON STARTS!! :-D


Tonight is the opening home game for my team, the Nashville Predators. Sadly, I have to work tonight, but I am going with my mother to our second home game tomorrow.

Anyways, in honor of the beginning of hockey season I thought I would post the pictures of me and mom at a "meet the team" event a couple of weeks ago. We got to eat some free food, stand in a lot of lines, and get autographs from some of the players.

mom and me, excited about meeting the players

mom flirting with Dan Ellis while he signs her blanket

my favorite player, Jordin Tootoo, signing my "Tootoo whistle"

signed Tootoo whistle. :-D

He also signed this poster for my sister, on her birthday month,
and added "xoxo" at the end because my mom said "she loves you!" lol

I'm really happy that hockey season is back, and hoping that my team does really well this year.
Who's your team?

My favorite West Wing clip

I've spent the last two days watching West Wing, and watching my puppy to make sure she doesn't lick the stitches she has from getting fixed. I'll probably be doing that til 6pm Friday when I have my first shift at Chili's (finally!).

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hope you liked the clip as much as I do.

life is beautiful

I had a stellar weekend. A great end to a pretty stellar week.

I got two job offers this week. Accepted the one from Chili's.
Got called by the lady from the study at Vanderbilt. I have my first clinic visit tomorrow.
Got called by Tiffany & Co. and have an interview Tuesday. I know that I already accepted the Chili's job, but if I could work for Tiffany's!!?? and probably make a lot more money!?!! why wouldn't I at least go interview?

One of my best friends came into town from Cincinnati! Melanie was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and generally helped get me through all kinds of stuff over the last 4 years. Her and Chelle have been a part of my friend base since Freshman year. LOVE them!

Mel came into town Friday afternoon. We went to dinner, and then grabbed some wine and came back to the apartment. Chelle got home right about when we did, so we sat on the porch, had a few glasses of wine, and talked about life for hours. Then we took quite the adventurous trip to WaHo, and ended the evening sitting in the living room talking about politics.

It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how much you've missed somebody til they come visit you. Cause I sure have missed my Melanie. She's one of the most level headed people I know, and sometimes just has this way of cutting through the crap and saying how things are. I love that. I love her! I wish Cincinnati wasn't so far away, and that gas wasn't ridiculous. Cause I need more of her than what I can get right now. She's awesome!

Saturday we just hung out at the apartment, watched Nip/Tuck, and had lunch at Panera. Then we met up with a bunch of people at Chili's for some dinner and conversation. After that Mel had to go meet up with some other people in Nashville that she wanted to see before she went home. Chelle and I went with some of the people from Chili's to a bonfire. Where I met LOTS of great new people, and had a fantastic time.

And today was ridiculously lazy. a perfect ending to a wonderful week/weekend.

I really hope this next week continues the goodness, and that I figure out exactly what job I'm supposed to have so that I can start getting settled into a bit of a routine (and start getting paid!!)

I know I haven't kept track of the Ragamuffintop challenge the last few weeks, I'm just stuck at the same weight, and trying to find a job and stuff has kept me out of a workout routine. I'm glad I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing either. Hopefully things will get settled down the next couple of weeks and I can get back in gear.

What made you happy this weekend?

It's never too late to change lanes

I think some of my favorite moments are little gifts. Little serendipitous gifts the universe throws your way. Sometimes they are just gifts, happy moments to make you smile. Other times they are signs. Little reminders or suggestions to get implanted in your brain.

I guess I use "the universe" as my way of attributing things to God without sounding like the religion major that I am.

But I've gotten three this week. And it's kind of hard to ignore that.

It's been a rough month. moving into a new place. getting situated. dealing with all the quirks that go with living with new people in a new place. job hunting. hating job hunting. sucking at job hunting.

Let's just say that I needed some gifts from the universe.

The first was in Starbuck's. I went in friday to fill out an application. The guy who handed me the application starts telling me how great the benefits and stuff are and how it's a good time to apply. Then he takes my filled out application to the back...and the guy who walks out went to high school with me. Graduated a year ahead of me. Interviews me and tells me he's going to call me monday. I leave smiling and feeling really good about it.

I also filled out an application at Chili's friday. They told me to come back on monday. I went...and they had me take this test. So I'm sitting in this booth, taking a test (which involved MATH. omg. I was not happy.), and all of a sudden the beginning of a song over the sound system caught my attention. It was one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Stereophonics (gift #2). So that makes me relax a bit, and not worry so much about the ridiculous MATH involved in this test. (have I mentioned I HATE math??) So I turn my test in, and one of the managers comes back and tells me that I passed it (huzzah!) and to come back Wednesday to talk to a different manager and probably get a job offer. sweet!

Starbucks called today with a job offer.
I may get a job offer form Chili's tomorrow.

I LOVE options. and gifts from the universe.


The third came today. I was watching AMC and a commercial came on for a study being done at Vanderbilt on depression. It was advertising for people to take part in the study. I've been off my Prozac since February, and haven't seen anybody about my depression since some time before then. I really needed somebody today.

So I just e-mailed the lady about the studies (there are actually two going on right now). We'll see how that goes.


I wonder how often I don't notice things like a song on the sound system or a commercial on tv. How often I don't listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. How often the worry and the stress overshadow the provisions of the one who dresses the lilies of the field so lavishly.

it's just an ordinary morning, just an ordinary day

Beth wrote a post about how she found out about the events of 9/11/01. It's pretty poetic, and includes a hazy feeling that I think signifies how a lot of people felt on and after that day.


My account of that day isn't nearly as poetic.


I was in 1st period Shakespeare, Sophomore year of high school...

and I was being hit on by the girl sitting next to me.



After we found out about the first plane, and watched live as the second plane flew into the second tower, all I could keep thinking was "but it's Steph's 16th birthday!"



She's 23 now. Happy Birthday, Stephanie. I hope it was a happy one.


To be honest, I miss that friendship more than those two towers in New York City.


Maybe that's selfish.
Maybe that's insensitive.
In fact, it probably is.

But it's the honest to God truth.

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great

I have this problem where my brain permanently connects certain sights, sounds, and smells with certain people. And it's pretty random about what exactly it connects.

For one person it's a relatively generic stretch of road. Just an overpass connecting a side of the interstate I'm on all the time to a side of the interstate I hardly ever venture on. I guess the reason he's connected to it is because a couple of the first times I ventured on it was with him.

So today you get to hear his story. The story of my pseudo-stalker:

I was working at Lowe's, which I did for 2 of the worst years of my life (but that's a whole other blog), and he was one of the relatively few attractive guys about my age also working there. We saw each other on the floor, in the break room, and I always noticed that he was quite attractive, and a little over-confident.

One day I was in the break room eating my lunch when he sauntered over and sat beside me. We struck up a conversation about random things...music, movies, how he had been in the marines...and I was pretty happy with the whole exchange. To make things even better, at the end of his shift he stopped by my register and wanted to exchange phone numbers with me. Score!

A few days later he took me to lunch before work at a restaurant right by Lowe's. We had some interesting conversation, but at one point he kind of slipped in the "this is not a date" sentence that made me think it was all over. Which I was pretty okay with.

But soon after that I got invited to go hang out with some co-workers after work...all of which are friends with him. He insisted on riding with "his girl"...on sitting next to me the whole time...and since he was trashed I drove him home.

Which is why that stretch of road is connected to him.

I got text messages asking me to be his girlfriend.

A. it is not okay to ask me to be your girlfriend via text message
B. it is definitely not okay if I've hung out with you outside of work twice.

So I told him I needed to get to know him better.
Hung out with him and another co-worker at his apartment complex's pool.
Talked more on the phone and via text message.
Decided and told him I really wasn't interested in him as more than a friend.
He kept texting. I kept trying to ignore/discourage him.

I wrote this on my myspace a few weeks later:

It's hella creepy to have an ex-marine trying to find you. I'm pretty sure it's just been two times when he was drunk and lonely...but seriously, I'm uber glad he thought I went to Lipscomb the first time:

(text message conversation)
"Hey whats up."
"Nothing much"
(2 hours later) "Hey whats up."
"nada"
(2 hours later)"Hey im on campus"
(at this point I freak out and a million different horror movie scenarios cross my paranoia prone mind...but my rational side says I better make sure he's where I hope he's not first)
"what campus?"
"Limpscome dont u go there."
(massive sigh of relief.)
"no."
"oh i thought u wemt there."

(no typos there...just exactly what I got.)

and very glad that he still doesn't know where I go to school this last time.

"Hey whats up girl."
"Who is this?"
(I had a hunch it was him, but he changed his number so i wasn't sure)
"****** changed my number"
(I can't remember if I answered or not...if I did it was probably like "ah" or something)
"What u doing."
"laundry"
"What school do u go to."
(no answer)
(later) "What school do u go to."
(no answer)


Luckily at this point he no longer worked at Lowes, although he did come in a couple times after those exchanges...which always freaked me out.

I don't think ex-marines are something to be trifled with.
Especially ex-marines who think it's a good idea to show up unannounced (and probably trashed) on your college campus.

Going down that road still gives me the heebie jeebies.

Anybody else have one of these?

Let's step into the shallow end of the pool

So I'm having a small hair crisis right now. Kind of in the middle of growing it out from the time sophomore year when I donated to locks of love...and I kind of feel like chopping it off again. So I'm in for some opinions.

Short? or Long?
why?









Or does somebody have a completely different idea?

omg.
I just realized that this is a really great before and after shot for my 30lb depression/prozac weight gain too.
ugh.

so glad I toured the YMCA today.

anyways. let me know if you have an opinion.

Free Communication Weekend

So I kind of feel foolish.

Eharmony is having a Free Communication Weekend.

Chelle is always going on and on about how I should find a guy, how I should try online dating, blah blah blah. Ashley met her fiancee online.

I had an Eharmony profile before...just curiosity I guess, just to see who they would match me with. But since I refused to pay for it that's all it was. Me looking at the type of people they matched me with. not even pictures, just whatever answers they had on their profile.

I never really got excited about anybody.

I really didn't think online dating was for me.


But I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of never being asked out on dates. I'm tired of all the guys I am interested in never being interested in me in the same way, or actually being jerks with girlfriends they never actually broke up with, or deciding they like my best friends more than me.


So I'm giving Eharmony another shot. I created another profile where I am trying to be real honest. And it's free communication weekend, so I've sent questions to like 4 guys who made me go "hmmmmm he sounds pretty awesome." Still no pictures...but that's alright with me for now.

But I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. And feel like it's something I shouldn't have to be doing. but I'm doing it.

I guess the worst that can happen is nobody thinks I'm interesting...which just leaves me in the same place. Or somebody does think I'm interesting and I think their interesting and I get a free meal even if we don't get along well. I'm not even going to think about a best case scenario...cause that's just crazy talk.


Maybe this whole thing is crazy talk.

Eh, it's just a weekend, right?

I like making up extended metaphors.

Life is finger painting. If you do it right...it's messy.

You start out with a clean sheet and a lot of choices.
You end up with a beautifully complete picture and clean hands.
But when you're in the middle of it...if you're really doing it...you're a hot mess.

(image on stockxchng by flaivoloka)

I'm in the middle of it. I'm a hot mess.

but one day I'll be complete. my painting will be finished. my hands cleaned by my Father. and I will be home.

but for now I'm gonna paint. I'm gonna be messy. And I'm gonna try to make the most of every beautiful, messy, ugly, thrilling, perfect, painful second.


Because I stood and stared at that blank paper, afraid to get messy, for far too long.

"In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

there is a feeling that you should just go home, and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is."
~Jump Little Children- Cathedrals


Yes, yes, I know, Jon already gave props to this song on SCL, but I like to title posts with song lyrics and this is the first song that came to mind and seemed to fit. Plus, maybe if I get enough people to love JLC as much as I then they will get back together. hey, a girl can dream.

anyways, on to the purpose of this post:


I went to church today for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, I know, I'm the world's worst religion major, and on the "bad christian" list. whatever.

I'm in this weird place where I don't feel like the type of church I grew up in suits my belief system anymore. like it's not my spiritual home anymore. Last time I went I sat through a sermon on the evils of abortion that made me want to scream (not because I like abortion, but because I think the church should preach towards things like love, service, and charity instead of preaching against specific sins). At the same time, I haven't taken the time or energy to seek out a church that DOES fit...so I don't go.

But I went today. Mostly because my mom gave me this very loving look last night and said "I'd really like it if you came to church tomorrow." And how can you say no to that? Especially when it's my last weekend living in her house? so I went.

The service was great. They are doing a series on brokenness, and during the last song we sang before the sermon a lot of church members walked across the stage with signs. On the brown side of the sign was written statements like "Addicted Alcoholic" "Sexually abused by 2 family members" and "Abortions" and then they would flip their signs over to a white back side that said things like "Jesus Addict" "I forgave because I am Forgiven" and "Mother and Grandmother." It was really powerful, made me cry like a river, especially since some of the people who walked across the stage were former sunday school teachers and friends of mine.

But that is another one of those things that gets to me every time I go back to that place.

I'm "going back" to who I was before college. I go back to the little girl they watched grow up. Watched come every sunday. Watched sing in the youth choir, youth ensemble, and youth praise band. Watched go to camps and mission trips, do Evangelism Explosion, and dedicate my life to serving God. Watched be the "perfect Christian girl" who never cussed, never smoked, never drank, and signed the True Love Waits commitment card. I'm going back to that girl who was completely ruled by fear, guilt, insecurity, and completely uncomfortable in her own skin.

It makes me feel completely fake. Because I feel like I have to put on my "perfect christian girl" face there. I even feel weird adding anybody from that church on facebook or myspace just because I know some REAL pictures are going to show up...or I'll write something real...and I feel like they'll judge me.

"Look at that girl...she used to be such a good girl...look what Belmont did to her."

It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am now. I'm not. Sure, I may use the occasional profanity, smoke the occasional clove cigarette, have the occasional alocoholic beverage, may have done things with certain boys that would make them blush, and I'm working through this fiend called Depression. But I'm not ashamed of those things.

I'm not a horrible person.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm still a virgin.
And I have people in my life who give me more moments of happiness than any of them ever did.

Even better than all of those things...I'm REAL. I may not be perfect, but I don't pretend that I am. I don't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend.

I know who I am now. Not who they wanted me to be, but who I am.

I'm sure there are a number of people at that church who would more than accept me for who I am now. Who would wrap their arms around me and say they are proud of me, they love me, and God loves me. But I'm just as sure that there are people who would be disappointed with things I have decided are permissable for my life.

And I can't handle the disappointment of people who were giants in my young eyes.

So next Sunday I am going with Chelle to the church she goes to. Because Chelle will be my roommate and it will be convenient. Because Chelle and I have similar spiritual ideas and I want to see what she loves about this church. And because Chelle knows ME, loves me, and people at a new church can get to know me, and love me, and I can get connected into a community as myself. with authenticity. without fear of disappointing them with who I am.

I can worship loud, with hands and heart upheld...and then go have lunch at a pub and discuss the sermon over a pint.

And that sounds like heaven here on earth to me. It sounds like home.

Fail.

okay...so I know I said I'd update with something non-weight related...


but it just became midnight...which means that Breaking Dawn just hit my Kindle.




so I'm reading. and wishing I was a vampire...or dating a vampire.

I'm such a dork.




so while I go and drool over Edward Cullen...what's your dorky pleasure??