Git'er done!

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

I just finished the Islam section of my thesis.


Only the intro and conclusion before it's all sent to Dr. Gwaltney. Who will go through it and tell me the bazillion things that are wrong with it and that I'll have to fix.

BUT

the hardest part will be done. all the research, all the reading, all the struggling to start and finish paragraphs.


DONE!


soooooo giddy right now.



This will get done.
I will graduate.


I can do it.

Becoming a Big Girl

It's getting scary.


I'm almost done with my research/writing on Islam...the last of my 3 religions in my thesis. Then it's just the intro and conclusion to do. It will be "done" and to my committee by next Monday. Then I have to weeks to finish the artwork to go with the paper. I need to arrange with the honors house to show it...hmmm. put that on the "to-do" list.

Anyways...my thesis defense is the 18th of July. Then I have 2 weeks to tweek what they tell me to tweek and get it all printed the way it needs to be to turn in to the Honors Council on the 1st of August.


Graduation is the 8th of August.


I think right now the plan is for me to move in to the apartment on the 23rd. My sister is moving in to her apartment in Alabama on the 15th, so my dad can't help me move until the next weekend. And I need his truck and his muscle to move.


So sometime between now and then I have to find a job. A big girl job preferably. Although having done all the math with all the bills I'm going to have to start paying going back to Lowe's would cover it with more to spare. Sooooo...that's an option.

but in doing all that math I started freaking out.

freaking. the heck. out.


maybe it's because I'm currently unemployed...
maybe it's because when I did have a lot of money coming in I was saving for study abroad trips and blowing it on whatever I wanted. because I could...
maybe it's just the fact that I've never really had actual real life bills to pay...

but knowing that I'm soon going to be responsible for paying people $800 a month (rent, utilities, cable, student loan payment, insurance, etc) not including any money I need to eat, live, or drive on is super scary to me.

cause there's no flaking out on that.

just like there's no more flaking out on my thesis.


I never used to flake out on things. I was always there. always on time. always turned in and did everything and was a huge overachiever.

Then I overwhelmed myself with work. And life overwhelmed me with hurt.

and I burned out.

and I've been flakier and flakier ever since.


I hate that. I hate that I had to push graduation off til August because I flaked out on meeting thesis deadlines while balancing other coursework. other coursework that I also did a bit of flaking on.

I hate that I flake out on my friends sometimes. that I'll express interest or flat out say I'm going to do something with them and then flake out on it. If I've done that to you, I'm really sorry. cause I hate when people do that to me. and I hate when I do that to you, too.

I flake because I get overwhelmed really easily now. and depression rears it's ugly head far too often. it's not an excuse, it doesn't make it okay...but it is what it is.


I can't flake on my thesis right now. And I can't flake come August.


I have to be a big girl.


and it's freaking me out. cause I'm so scared that I can't do it. that I'll fail. again. and the consequences will be much bigger than graduating 3 months late.

Goggle Removers

It's interesting now that I can tell when I put the goggles on (read the first post if you haven't yet), and sometimes exactly what triggered it.

The hard part is figuring out what will take them off.


I tried several things yesterday:

1. I immediately called Anna to tell her about it...because I hoped that she would say something to put things into a new perspective and make me feel better about things. To be honest I don't even remember a lot of what she said about it...probably because she was just as shocked and confused about the situation as i was.

2. I called another boy who has never been the cause of drama in my life (in other people's lives, yes, but never MY life.) and who has always been a nice calming and entertaining presence.


During those conversations I felt fine...but the minute I hung up I felt the fog closing in again.


3. I did some housework. I watered my little potted garden outside and crushed the mountain of pop cans in our kitchen...hoping that the tiny mundane distractions would clear my head.

fail.

4. I made myself cry a little. When all else fails, I try to get myself to get it all out. So I thought about the worst thought the drama brought out, and tried to cry through it and get past it.

mega fail. just made things worse.


So i went back to pretending to work on my thesis while actually surfing the net, playing games, watching television and planning what I was going to munch on next. completely vegging and zoning out dulls the pain...doing mindless things keeps your mind from doing things. lol


I should have made myself get out of the house.


I did later that night. I ended up sitting in a school parking lot listening to music and staring at cloud shapes and stars with the person who helped unveil the assholishness of one boy and the ignorance of two girls. Talked about it about a bit awkwardly...stood together in silence with it for a bit...but then moved on to random and ridiculous topics.


That's when the goggles came off.


By the end of the evening I couldn't stop myself from talking about the most random stuff. I just felt chatty and happy. content to stand there and blabber for hours.


I dunno what that means exactly. cause I know that is not the exact formula to always remove the goggles...but it did the trick that time.

Depression Goggles

Sometimes I feel like life should come with warning labels like medicine bottles do. You know, those little stickers with the amusing illustrations that say interesting things like "Warning: May cause drowsiness," "Take with milk or food," or "Do not take with alcohol."

Much like many medications and alcohol, depression, stress, and drama do not mix well. In fact, they kind of feed off of each other. Each of the three monsters makes the others look bigger, scarier, and less defeatable.

I originally called this blog "the world through both my eyes" because I love photography. The lens is my other set of eyes, another way that I look at the world. It's also a reference to a John Mayer song...but we'll leave that alone for now.

But I guess in a way depression has become a second set of eyes for me as well. A third set of eyes? whatever. When something pulls the depression goggles out, that's they only way I can see things. It makes it so hard to focus on the good, or on what needs to be done, and makes it so easy to lay back in my pajamas with a bowl of something munchy and play a mindless computer game. I crave comfort so much when I'm depressed. I desire to shove everything that is uncomfortable away, forget it is there, save it for when I don't feel so damn sad.

Not such a good place to be when trying to graduate from college.

Right now the only thing standing between me and my degree is a paper. My honors thesis. A large paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use certain types of visual images in their sacred spaces. It's big and hard and stressful. And when the depression goggles come out, I just don't want to look at it.

Sometimes it even causes the depression goggles to come out. when I can't find what I need, or realize that everything is getting overdue, that I'm running out of time...I shut down.


Today it was drama that brought them out. Boy drama. I am 22. You would think that boy drama would have been left behind in high school. But I am a twisted soul who can't seem to attract or be attracted to boys who are drama free. And by drama free I mean boys who don't tell me they broke up with their girlfriend and try to date me while telling their (pregnant) girlfriend that they are still together and still love them.


So today, instead of finishing a section of my thesis and sending two sections off to my tutor, I got bogged down by drama...


and put on the depression goggles.



Warning: Thesis may be harder than it appears.

Warning: Boys are lying jerks. May cause heartache.

Do not take either with clinical depression.