life is beautiful

I had a stellar weekend. A great end to a pretty stellar week.

I got two job offers this week. Accepted the one from Chili's.
Got called by the lady from the study at Vanderbilt. I have my first clinic visit tomorrow.
Got called by Tiffany & Co. and have an interview Tuesday. I know that I already accepted the Chili's job, but if I could work for Tiffany's!!?? and probably make a lot more money!?!! why wouldn't I at least go interview?

One of my best friends came into town from Cincinnati! Melanie was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and generally helped get me through all kinds of stuff over the last 4 years. Her and Chelle have been a part of my friend base since Freshman year. LOVE them!

Mel came into town Friday afternoon. We went to dinner, and then grabbed some wine and came back to the apartment. Chelle got home right about when we did, so we sat on the porch, had a few glasses of wine, and talked about life for hours. Then we took quite the adventurous trip to WaHo, and ended the evening sitting in the living room talking about politics.

It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how much you've missed somebody til they come visit you. Cause I sure have missed my Melanie. She's one of the most level headed people I know, and sometimes just has this way of cutting through the crap and saying how things are. I love that. I love her! I wish Cincinnati wasn't so far away, and that gas wasn't ridiculous. Cause I need more of her than what I can get right now. She's awesome!

Saturday we just hung out at the apartment, watched Nip/Tuck, and had lunch at Panera. Then we met up with a bunch of people at Chili's for some dinner and conversation. After that Mel had to go meet up with some other people in Nashville that she wanted to see before she went home. Chelle and I went with some of the people from Chili's to a bonfire. Where I met LOTS of great new people, and had a fantastic time.

And today was ridiculously lazy. a perfect ending to a wonderful week/weekend.

I really hope this next week continues the goodness, and that I figure out exactly what job I'm supposed to have so that I can start getting settled into a bit of a routine (and start getting paid!!)

I know I haven't kept track of the Ragamuffintop challenge the last few weeks, I'm just stuck at the same weight, and trying to find a job and stuff has kept me out of a workout routine. I'm glad I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing either. Hopefully things will get settled down the next couple of weeks and I can get back in gear.

What made you happy this weekend?

it's just an ordinary morning, just an ordinary day

Beth wrote a post about how she found out about the events of 9/11/01. It's pretty poetic, and includes a hazy feeling that I think signifies how a lot of people felt on and after that day.


My account of that day isn't nearly as poetic.


I was in 1st period Shakespeare, Sophomore year of high school...

and I was being hit on by the girl sitting next to me.



After we found out about the first plane, and watched live as the second plane flew into the second tower, all I could keep thinking was "but it's Steph's 16th birthday!"



She's 23 now. Happy Birthday, Stephanie. I hope it was a happy one.


To be honest, I miss that friendship more than those two towers in New York City.


Maybe that's selfish.
Maybe that's insensitive.
In fact, it probably is.

But it's the honest to God truth.

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great

I have this problem where my brain permanently connects certain sights, sounds, and smells with certain people. And it's pretty random about what exactly it connects.

For one person it's a relatively generic stretch of road. Just an overpass connecting a side of the interstate I'm on all the time to a side of the interstate I hardly ever venture on. I guess the reason he's connected to it is because a couple of the first times I ventured on it was with him.

So today you get to hear his story. The story of my pseudo-stalker:

I was working at Lowe's, which I did for 2 of the worst years of my life (but that's a whole other blog), and he was one of the relatively few attractive guys about my age also working there. We saw each other on the floor, in the break room, and I always noticed that he was quite attractive, and a little over-confident.

One day I was in the break room eating my lunch when he sauntered over and sat beside me. We struck up a conversation about random things...music, movies, how he had been in the marines...and I was pretty happy with the whole exchange. To make things even better, at the end of his shift he stopped by my register and wanted to exchange phone numbers with me. Score!

A few days later he took me to lunch before work at a restaurant right by Lowe's. We had some interesting conversation, but at one point he kind of slipped in the "this is not a date" sentence that made me think it was all over. Which I was pretty okay with.

But soon after that I got invited to go hang out with some co-workers after work...all of which are friends with him. He insisted on riding with "his girl"...on sitting next to me the whole time...and since he was trashed I drove him home.

Which is why that stretch of road is connected to him.

I got text messages asking me to be his girlfriend.

A. it is not okay to ask me to be your girlfriend via text message
B. it is definitely not okay if I've hung out with you outside of work twice.

So I told him I needed to get to know him better.
Hung out with him and another co-worker at his apartment complex's pool.
Talked more on the phone and via text message.
Decided and told him I really wasn't interested in him as more than a friend.
He kept texting. I kept trying to ignore/discourage him.

I wrote this on my myspace a few weeks later:

It's hella creepy to have an ex-marine trying to find you. I'm pretty sure it's just been two times when he was drunk and lonely...but seriously, I'm uber glad he thought I went to Lipscomb the first time:

(text message conversation)
"Hey whats up."
"Nothing much"
(2 hours later) "Hey whats up."
"nada"
(2 hours later)"Hey im on campus"
(at this point I freak out and a million different horror movie scenarios cross my paranoia prone mind...but my rational side says I better make sure he's where I hope he's not first)
"what campus?"
"Limpscome dont u go there."
(massive sigh of relief.)
"no."
"oh i thought u wemt there."

(no typos there...just exactly what I got.)

and very glad that he still doesn't know where I go to school this last time.

"Hey whats up girl."
"Who is this?"
(I had a hunch it was him, but he changed his number so i wasn't sure)
"****** changed my number"
(I can't remember if I answered or not...if I did it was probably like "ah" or something)
"What u doing."
"laundry"
"What school do u go to."
(no answer)
(later) "What school do u go to."
(no answer)


Luckily at this point he no longer worked at Lowes, although he did come in a couple times after those exchanges...which always freaked me out.

I don't think ex-marines are something to be trifled with.
Especially ex-marines who think it's a good idea to show up unannounced (and probably trashed) on your college campus.

Going down that road still gives me the heebie jeebies.

Anybody else have one of these?

Free Communication Weekend

So I kind of feel foolish.

Eharmony is having a Free Communication Weekend.

Chelle is always going on and on about how I should find a guy, how I should try online dating, blah blah blah. Ashley met her fiancee online.

I had an Eharmony profile before...just curiosity I guess, just to see who they would match me with. But since I refused to pay for it that's all it was. Me looking at the type of people they matched me with. not even pictures, just whatever answers they had on their profile.

I never really got excited about anybody.

I really didn't think online dating was for me.


But I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of never being asked out on dates. I'm tired of all the guys I am interested in never being interested in me in the same way, or actually being jerks with girlfriends they never actually broke up with, or deciding they like my best friends more than me.


So I'm giving Eharmony another shot. I created another profile where I am trying to be real honest. And it's free communication weekend, so I've sent questions to like 4 guys who made me go "hmmmmm he sounds pretty awesome." Still no pictures...but that's alright with me for now.

But I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. And feel like it's something I shouldn't have to be doing. but I'm doing it.

I guess the worst that can happen is nobody thinks I'm interesting...which just leaves me in the same place. Or somebody does think I'm interesting and I think their interesting and I get a free meal even if we don't get along well. I'm not even going to think about a best case scenario...cause that's just crazy talk.


Maybe this whole thing is crazy talk.

Eh, it's just a weekend, right?

like the rain in a downpour

Today is really hard.

I'm in the middle of sorting through 22 years worth of stuff. pictures, programs, tickets, momentos, some memories happy, some sad, and some painful reminders of what used to be and now is gone.

Took puppy out this morning...and she got sick. Apparently I asked the vet for medicine for the wrong worms last week, so instead of catching them early they have had a whole other week to grow and multiply and now she's sickly and tired. Got and gave her the right medicine today, so hopefully she will feel better soon. It's just frustrating to worry about my puppy and frustrating that something I thought I took care of actually didn't get taken care of and now is worse.

My dad isn't coming home this weekend to help me move. Not his fault, but it's still a hassle and disappointing. Just means I have to find other people to help. I don't like asking other people for help. It's ironic, because I just realized I feel the same way about asking for help as Chelle as developed recently. I feel like if people decline to help me it's because I'm not worth their help. Because they don't like me enough to help me, or don't think I deserve the help I'm asking for. Chelle expressed the same thing to me and I told her she was being silly. That if people can't help you it's because they can't. It's a problem with them, not with you.

It's a problem with them, not with me.

I need to ask.



But all this combined with certain other things that are floating around in my head have converged to call out the depression monster. He's in rare form today, seeing as I've been so happy the last few. He wants me to break down, cry, give up on packing and puppy and life in general. He wants me to think that things that aren't my fault or my problem actually are mine to worry about. He wants me drinking Mt. Dew and eating everything I know is not good for me and my weight loss goals. He wants me frazzled, overwhelmed, and paralyzed by sadness.

Not today, sir.
Not today.

"In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

there is a feeling that you should just go home, and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is."
~Jump Little Children- Cathedrals


Yes, yes, I know, Jon already gave props to this song on SCL, but I like to title posts with song lyrics and this is the first song that came to mind and seemed to fit. Plus, maybe if I get enough people to love JLC as much as I then they will get back together. hey, a girl can dream.

anyways, on to the purpose of this post:


I went to church today for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, I know, I'm the world's worst religion major, and on the "bad christian" list. whatever.

I'm in this weird place where I don't feel like the type of church I grew up in suits my belief system anymore. like it's not my spiritual home anymore. Last time I went I sat through a sermon on the evils of abortion that made me want to scream (not because I like abortion, but because I think the church should preach towards things like love, service, and charity instead of preaching against specific sins). At the same time, I haven't taken the time or energy to seek out a church that DOES fit...so I don't go.

But I went today. Mostly because my mom gave me this very loving look last night and said "I'd really like it if you came to church tomorrow." And how can you say no to that? Especially when it's my last weekend living in her house? so I went.

The service was great. They are doing a series on brokenness, and during the last song we sang before the sermon a lot of church members walked across the stage with signs. On the brown side of the sign was written statements like "Addicted Alcoholic" "Sexually abused by 2 family members" and "Abortions" and then they would flip their signs over to a white back side that said things like "Jesus Addict" "I forgave because I am Forgiven" and "Mother and Grandmother." It was really powerful, made me cry like a river, especially since some of the people who walked across the stage were former sunday school teachers and friends of mine.

But that is another one of those things that gets to me every time I go back to that place.

I'm "going back" to who I was before college. I go back to the little girl they watched grow up. Watched come every sunday. Watched sing in the youth choir, youth ensemble, and youth praise band. Watched go to camps and mission trips, do Evangelism Explosion, and dedicate my life to serving God. Watched be the "perfect Christian girl" who never cussed, never smoked, never drank, and signed the True Love Waits commitment card. I'm going back to that girl who was completely ruled by fear, guilt, insecurity, and completely uncomfortable in her own skin.

It makes me feel completely fake. Because I feel like I have to put on my "perfect christian girl" face there. I even feel weird adding anybody from that church on facebook or myspace just because I know some REAL pictures are going to show up...or I'll write something real...and I feel like they'll judge me.

"Look at that girl...she used to be such a good girl...look what Belmont did to her."

It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am now. I'm not. Sure, I may use the occasional profanity, smoke the occasional clove cigarette, have the occasional alocoholic beverage, may have done things with certain boys that would make them blush, and I'm working through this fiend called Depression. But I'm not ashamed of those things.

I'm not a horrible person.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm still a virgin.
And I have people in my life who give me more moments of happiness than any of them ever did.

Even better than all of those things...I'm REAL. I may not be perfect, but I don't pretend that I am. I don't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend.

I know who I am now. Not who they wanted me to be, but who I am.

I'm sure there are a number of people at that church who would more than accept me for who I am now. Who would wrap their arms around me and say they are proud of me, they love me, and God loves me. But I'm just as sure that there are people who would be disappointed with things I have decided are permissable for my life.

And I can't handle the disappointment of people who were giants in my young eyes.

So next Sunday I am going with Chelle to the church she goes to. Because Chelle will be my roommate and it will be convenient. Because Chelle and I have similar spiritual ideas and I want to see what she loves about this church. And because Chelle knows ME, loves me, and people at a new church can get to know me, and love me, and I can get connected into a community as myself. with authenticity. without fear of disappointing them with who I am.

I can worship loud, with hands and heart upheld...and then go have lunch at a pub and discuss the sermon over a pint.

And that sounds like heaven here on earth to me. It sounds like home.

Creative Chaos: the Wedding edition!

So i haven't really been doing lots of creative things while putting the finishing touches on my Thesis (I hate formatting/editing word documents and inserting images into them. HATE. and I refuse to count it as creative work.)...but there is one thing I've been working on and getting really excited about.

My best friend's wedding!!

She's asked me to design the invitations for it, so I've gone through about 10 different color combinations and ideas on how they should look. Of course she's changed her mind about 10 different times too...but she gets to! she's the bride! lol

But it's really exciting to try to merge what I hear her saying about what she wants the wedding to be like with other things I know about her (like her love of irish things like claddagh rings) to design something she looks at and goes "oooooh! I love it!"

Then there's the challenge of figuring out how to make the image I've photoshopped together into a paper, ink, and wax seal reality. I think yesterday we figured out most of the seal part, that she actually wants a wax seal on the invites instead of just foil stickers. I gave her a website with a lot of different options to look at and choose one from. I also suggested that she get two of them, and not put the date on them so that she and her fiance would have them to use forever. She really liked that idea.

So right now I have like 7 photoshop images where I've tried out this idea or the other to show her, and a definite excitement about a claddagh wax seal. Because I want everybody to ooh and aah over her invites when we send them out I am not going to put any pictures up of the ideas we're working on, but that's pretty much all the creative work I've done this week.

This weekend we're going to michigan to visit part of my mom's side of the family, and I'm bound and determined to put my new point-and-shoot camera to use and take beautiful pictures of people I love. And maybe document the awesome 12 hour drive mom and I shall embark on by ourselves.

That was my week in creativity. How was yours?

Heavy TVs and Salty Pretzels

I think managing expectations is going to be vital in this fight of mine against depression.

I have a vivid imagination. Which means I tend to fantasize about how certain days/events/conversations/outings are going to play out. This gets me in trouble. a lot. Mostly because when I fantasize things I either fantasize them as an extreme worst case scenario, or I fantasize them as these magical things where everything is perfect.

neither is realistic or healthy...and the latter can bring out the depression monster really easily.

I know from experience that there are a few of my friends who are more likely to disappoint me or completely flake out on me. But instead of taking that into account when playing out my little mind events, it suddenly becomes a case where they are magically flake and disappointment free and we have a great time. Which, more often than not, is not the case.

Which means when they do flake...or when they do disappoint me...it opens the cage for the raging depression monster.


So my new goal is to manage my expectations.


I guess it's a case of not expecting an Auntie Anne's pretzel at the Target snack bar.

As you all should know, Auntie Anne's serves a delectible soft pretzel (and if you do not know this, please let me take you to Cool Springs and introduce you.). And if you love soft pretzels like I do, you pretty much crave them anytime you enter the mall. They are the perfect mix of slightly crispy outside, soft and lovely inside, and a light buttery glaze with the perfect amount of salt. Thinking about it is almost making me drool. Maybe I should make a trip to Cool Springs tomorrow...

anyways.

My sister and I went to Target today. She wanted to spend some of her waitressing cash on things for the apartment she is getting when she goes back to school, and I just wanted to get out of the house. Plus, Target is such a nice place to walk around and lust after things you can't afford for the house you don't have. lol

After she had made her purchases she decided she wanted a drink, and asked if I wanted one. I sure did. So we made our way to the Target snack bar, and she saw that they had soft pretzels. Would we both like one of those? um...yes. yes we would. So we got 2 soft pretzels and 2 drinks for 4something.

That should have been a clue right there. At Auntie Anne's 1 drink and 1 pretzel cost upwards of $5...so double that for the same money should have said something about the quality of what we were getting.

The pretzels were pretzel shaped. They were basically pretzel colored. And they had salt on them. But that was where the similarities between Auntie Anne's pretzels and Target snack bar pretzels should stop. And after eating less than half of my butter and salt slathered sponge I did stop. And to "stick it to the man" who served me such a travesty I dumped out the rest of my soda and filled it with delicious white cherry slushie. Take that, Target.

But honestly...should I have expected Auntie Anne's quality pretzel goodness from a cheap superstore snack bar? No. I shouldn't have. I should have expected something of lesser quality. I should have managed my expectations.


I need to do that more both in my consumer life and in my relational life.


So next time I am offered a situation that seems too good to be true...I will try to manage my expectations. Instead of taking steps to try to ensure the absolutely optimum situation, and having a TV try to kill me in the process, I will take things as they come. Anything can be made to look respectable with 30min. notice. Dad would have been here to move the TV for me today if it had been needed.

And by managing expectations I would not have been at all surprised and much less disappointed when none of it came to pass.

Meaning the depression monster wouldn't have reared it's ugly head.

Luckily he just poked his head out of the cave, roared a few times, and then I was able to convince him to go back inside and leave me alone.


I like it when I can do that. When it's controllable. When it doesn't come out in a swift cloud of fury, but instead starts to creep out and I can notice and stop it.


Personifying depression is silly...but it helps sometimes.