like the rain in a downpour

Today is really hard.

I'm in the middle of sorting through 22 years worth of stuff. pictures, programs, tickets, momentos, some memories happy, some sad, and some painful reminders of what used to be and now is gone.

Took puppy out this morning...and she got sick. Apparently I asked the vet for medicine for the wrong worms last week, so instead of catching them early they have had a whole other week to grow and multiply and now she's sickly and tired. Got and gave her the right medicine today, so hopefully she will feel better soon. It's just frustrating to worry about my puppy and frustrating that something I thought I took care of actually didn't get taken care of and now is worse.

My dad isn't coming home this weekend to help me move. Not his fault, but it's still a hassle and disappointing. Just means I have to find other people to help. I don't like asking other people for help. It's ironic, because I just realized I feel the same way about asking for help as Chelle as developed recently. I feel like if people decline to help me it's because I'm not worth their help. Because they don't like me enough to help me, or don't think I deserve the help I'm asking for. Chelle expressed the same thing to me and I told her she was being silly. That if people can't help you it's because they can't. It's a problem with them, not with you.

It's a problem with them, not with me.

I need to ask.



But all this combined with certain other things that are floating around in my head have converged to call out the depression monster. He's in rare form today, seeing as I've been so happy the last few. He wants me to break down, cry, give up on packing and puppy and life in general. He wants me to think that things that aren't my fault or my problem actually are mine to worry about. He wants me drinking Mt. Dew and eating everything I know is not good for me and my weight loss goals. He wants me frazzled, overwhelmed, and paralyzed by sadness.

Not today, sir.
Not today.