It's never too late to change lanes

I think some of my favorite moments are little gifts. Little serendipitous gifts the universe throws your way. Sometimes they are just gifts, happy moments to make you smile. Other times they are signs. Little reminders or suggestions to get implanted in your brain.

I guess I use "the universe" as my way of attributing things to God without sounding like the religion major that I am.

But I've gotten three this week. And it's kind of hard to ignore that.

It's been a rough month. moving into a new place. getting situated. dealing with all the quirks that go with living with new people in a new place. job hunting. hating job hunting. sucking at job hunting.

Let's just say that I needed some gifts from the universe.

The first was in Starbuck's. I went in friday to fill out an application. The guy who handed me the application starts telling me how great the benefits and stuff are and how it's a good time to apply. Then he takes my filled out application to the back...and the guy who walks out went to high school with me. Graduated a year ahead of me. Interviews me and tells me he's going to call me monday. I leave smiling and feeling really good about it.

I also filled out an application at Chili's friday. They told me to come back on monday. I went...and they had me take this test. So I'm sitting in this booth, taking a test (which involved MATH. omg. I was not happy.), and all of a sudden the beginning of a song over the sound system caught my attention. It was one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Stereophonics (gift #2). So that makes me relax a bit, and not worry so much about the ridiculous MATH involved in this test. (have I mentioned I HATE math??) So I turn my test in, and one of the managers comes back and tells me that I passed it (huzzah!) and to come back Wednesday to talk to a different manager and probably get a job offer. sweet!

Starbucks called today with a job offer.
I may get a job offer form Chili's tomorrow.

I LOVE options. and gifts from the universe.


The third came today. I was watching AMC and a commercial came on for a study being done at Vanderbilt on depression. It was advertising for people to take part in the study. I've been off my Prozac since February, and haven't seen anybody about my depression since some time before then. I really needed somebody today.

So I just e-mailed the lady about the studies (there are actually two going on right now). We'll see how that goes.


I wonder how often I don't notice things like a song on the sound system or a commercial on tv. How often I don't listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. How often the worry and the stress overshadow the provisions of the one who dresses the lilies of the field so lavishly.

anti-labor day

Now before anybody gets riled up about me hating a national holiday, let me explain.

"I" am not anti-labor day. I just find it ironic that a holiday named "labor" day actually consists of most people being off work, and generally not "laboring." so in practice Labor Day is actually an anti-labor day.

So now for my "anti-labor day" story.

I graduated a few weeks ago (for more on that, click here). I moved into a new apartment with my best friend and another girl I know from school last week. Which means I am officially a degree holding, bill paying adult. I also got a dog.

All of this means that I should probably have a job about now.

It's not that I didn't look for a job. I did. I saw all sorts of openings for things that I probably could have gotten hired for based on my ridiculous customer service experience working 2 years as a cashier/head cashier/customer service/return desk at Lowe's. But they were all jobs that I looked at and thought about applying for with dread.

So after a conversation with a friend who just started his own printing business I decided that i didn't want to do something that would make me miserable just to pay the bills. I wanted to do something that would let me pursue my dreams of doing photography and other art stuff (design, painting, etc) for a living.

In light of that, I'm going to get a job as a hostess or a waitress at a restaurant (hopefully at the Melting Pot...mmmmm) to pay the bills and give me some flexibility in my hours so I can build my portfolio and take on some artistic projects.

I was going to go to the Melting Pot today to try and apply...but in honor of anti-labor day I decided to sit around, read blogs, and hang up pictures and organize my new room instead.

very anti-labor indeed. :-D


Tomorrow I shall find a job. Tomorrow I shall go and and get a membership at the YMCA. Tomorrow I shall labor.

Free Communication Weekend

So I kind of feel foolish.

Eharmony is having a Free Communication Weekend.

Chelle is always going on and on about how I should find a guy, how I should try online dating, blah blah blah. Ashley met her fiancee online.

I had an Eharmony profile before...just curiosity I guess, just to see who they would match me with. But since I refused to pay for it that's all it was. Me looking at the type of people they matched me with. not even pictures, just whatever answers they had on their profile.

I never really got excited about anybody.

I really didn't think online dating was for me.


But I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of never being asked out on dates. I'm tired of all the guys I am interested in never being interested in me in the same way, or actually being jerks with girlfriends they never actually broke up with, or deciding they like my best friends more than me.


So I'm giving Eharmony another shot. I created another profile where I am trying to be real honest. And it's free communication weekend, so I've sent questions to like 4 guys who made me go "hmmmmm he sounds pretty awesome." Still no pictures...but that's alright with me for now.

But I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. And feel like it's something I shouldn't have to be doing. but I'm doing it.

I guess the worst that can happen is nobody thinks I'm interesting...which just leaves me in the same place. Or somebody does think I'm interesting and I think their interesting and I get a free meal even if we don't get along well. I'm not even going to think about a best case scenario...cause that's just crazy talk.


Maybe this whole thing is crazy talk.

Eh, it's just a weekend, right?

let's talk

I had a thought this morning that I need some feedback on. I need some discussion and debate. I need to figure out what reactions to it make sense to me, and what reactions I find silly. Because this thought made my head spin around a little and I want to get it set back on. Here it is:

As Christians we believe that God's ultimate gift to us, the key to our redemption from sin and eternal life in the presence of God came in the form of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It came in the form of the brutal, agonizing, cruel and unusual Roman form of capital punishment exhibited on the most innocent man in the history of the universe. The cross was the Roman electric chair. It was the Roman lethal injection. Only it was so much more agonizing, bloody, and brutal than either of those. We are saved by the blood shed via the capital punishment of a completely innocent man. No Roman capital punishment = no Crucifixion

So how should Christians feel about the government practicing capital punishment on men tried and proven guilty of heinous crimes?

Does thinking about the Crucifixion as capital punishment change how you think about it?

What do you think?

"In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

there is a feeling that you should just go home, and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is."
~Jump Little Children- Cathedrals


Yes, yes, I know, Jon already gave props to this song on SCL, but I like to title posts with song lyrics and this is the first song that came to mind and seemed to fit. Plus, maybe if I get enough people to love JLC as much as I then they will get back together. hey, a girl can dream.

anyways, on to the purpose of this post:


I went to church today for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, I know, I'm the world's worst religion major, and on the "bad christian" list. whatever.

I'm in this weird place where I don't feel like the type of church I grew up in suits my belief system anymore. like it's not my spiritual home anymore. Last time I went I sat through a sermon on the evils of abortion that made me want to scream (not because I like abortion, but because I think the church should preach towards things like love, service, and charity instead of preaching against specific sins). At the same time, I haven't taken the time or energy to seek out a church that DOES fit...so I don't go.

But I went today. Mostly because my mom gave me this very loving look last night and said "I'd really like it if you came to church tomorrow." And how can you say no to that? Especially when it's my last weekend living in her house? so I went.

The service was great. They are doing a series on brokenness, and during the last song we sang before the sermon a lot of church members walked across the stage with signs. On the brown side of the sign was written statements like "Addicted Alcoholic" "Sexually abused by 2 family members" and "Abortions" and then they would flip their signs over to a white back side that said things like "Jesus Addict" "I forgave because I am Forgiven" and "Mother and Grandmother." It was really powerful, made me cry like a river, especially since some of the people who walked across the stage were former sunday school teachers and friends of mine.

But that is another one of those things that gets to me every time I go back to that place.

I'm "going back" to who I was before college. I go back to the little girl they watched grow up. Watched come every sunday. Watched sing in the youth choir, youth ensemble, and youth praise band. Watched go to camps and mission trips, do Evangelism Explosion, and dedicate my life to serving God. Watched be the "perfect Christian girl" who never cussed, never smoked, never drank, and signed the True Love Waits commitment card. I'm going back to that girl who was completely ruled by fear, guilt, insecurity, and completely uncomfortable in her own skin.

It makes me feel completely fake. Because I feel like I have to put on my "perfect christian girl" face there. I even feel weird adding anybody from that church on facebook or myspace just because I know some REAL pictures are going to show up...or I'll write something real...and I feel like they'll judge me.

"Look at that girl...she used to be such a good girl...look what Belmont did to her."

It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am now. I'm not. Sure, I may use the occasional profanity, smoke the occasional clove cigarette, have the occasional alocoholic beverage, may have done things with certain boys that would make them blush, and I'm working through this fiend called Depression. But I'm not ashamed of those things.

I'm not a horrible person.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm still a virgin.
And I have people in my life who give me more moments of happiness than any of them ever did.

Even better than all of those things...I'm REAL. I may not be perfect, but I don't pretend that I am. I don't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend.

I know who I am now. Not who they wanted me to be, but who I am.

I'm sure there are a number of people at that church who would more than accept me for who I am now. Who would wrap their arms around me and say they are proud of me, they love me, and God loves me. But I'm just as sure that there are people who would be disappointed with things I have decided are permissable for my life.

And I can't handle the disappointment of people who were giants in my young eyes.

So next Sunday I am going with Chelle to the church she goes to. Because Chelle will be my roommate and it will be convenient. Because Chelle and I have similar spiritual ideas and I want to see what she loves about this church. And because Chelle knows ME, loves me, and people at a new church can get to know me, and love me, and I can get connected into a community as myself. with authenticity. without fear of disappointing them with who I am.

I can worship loud, with hands and heart upheld...and then go have lunch at a pub and discuss the sermon over a pint.

And that sounds like heaven here on earth to me. It sounds like home.

We live in a beautiful world

"I think you did a really good job."


the first words I heard as we started my thesis defense. and with those words, all the tension, all the stress, all the nerves of the past few months seemed totally worth it, and finally began to melt away.

"easy to read."
"insightful."

There were no questions I could not answer. There were no surprises. There were no major rejections of my ideas.

So my two committee members signed it, and my tutor will sign in when I make the few small edits (a comma here, a capitalization there...) and he looks at my final final final copy.


I. Am. Graduating.


and as if to confirm it further, I got a letter from Belmont today telling me when to pick up my cap and gown and when to show up on graduation day.



They asked me what I'm doing after graduation. I told them what I know:

1. I'm moving to brentwood for a while. lease is up next June.
2. I need to find a job to pay the bills.


and that's all I know right now. I'm looking, praying, and waiting for something to jump out at me. For God to send or speak some more definite direction into my life.


So for now I'm working on my resume. Trying to figure out how to put my personality, passions, and skills into words an employer will appreciate. I need to put together a nice portfolio, get together the best of my work from all my college art classes and various other ventures.

It's exciting. It's scary.


It's about time. ;-)



ps. if you want to read a 60pg paper on how Hinduism, Greek Orthodoxy, and Islam use visual images in their sacred spaces...I know where you can get one. As long as your inbox holds a 15mb attachment.

Becoming a Big Girl

It's getting scary.


I'm almost done with my research/writing on Islam...the last of my 3 religions in my thesis. Then it's just the intro and conclusion to do. It will be "done" and to my committee by next Monday. Then I have to weeks to finish the artwork to go with the paper. I need to arrange with the honors house to show it...hmmm. put that on the "to-do" list.

Anyways...my thesis defense is the 18th of July. Then I have 2 weeks to tweek what they tell me to tweek and get it all printed the way it needs to be to turn in to the Honors Council on the 1st of August.


Graduation is the 8th of August.


I think right now the plan is for me to move in to the apartment on the 23rd. My sister is moving in to her apartment in Alabama on the 15th, so my dad can't help me move until the next weekend. And I need his truck and his muscle to move.


So sometime between now and then I have to find a job. A big girl job preferably. Although having done all the math with all the bills I'm going to have to start paying going back to Lowe's would cover it with more to spare. Sooooo...that's an option.

but in doing all that math I started freaking out.

freaking. the heck. out.


maybe it's because I'm currently unemployed...
maybe it's because when I did have a lot of money coming in I was saving for study abroad trips and blowing it on whatever I wanted. because I could...
maybe it's just the fact that I've never really had actual real life bills to pay...

but knowing that I'm soon going to be responsible for paying people $800 a month (rent, utilities, cable, student loan payment, insurance, etc) not including any money I need to eat, live, or drive on is super scary to me.

cause there's no flaking out on that.

just like there's no more flaking out on my thesis.


I never used to flake out on things. I was always there. always on time. always turned in and did everything and was a huge overachiever.

Then I overwhelmed myself with work. And life overwhelmed me with hurt.

and I burned out.

and I've been flakier and flakier ever since.


I hate that. I hate that I had to push graduation off til August because I flaked out on meeting thesis deadlines while balancing other coursework. other coursework that I also did a bit of flaking on.

I hate that I flake out on my friends sometimes. that I'll express interest or flat out say I'm going to do something with them and then flake out on it. If I've done that to you, I'm really sorry. cause I hate when people do that to me. and I hate when I do that to you, too.

I flake because I get overwhelmed really easily now. and depression rears it's ugly head far too often. it's not an excuse, it doesn't make it okay...but it is what it is.


I can't flake on my thesis right now. And I can't flake come August.


I have to be a big girl.


and it's freaking me out. cause I'm so scared that I can't do it. that I'll fail. again. and the consequences will be much bigger than graduating 3 months late.